My Darling, My Dear

Peace Upon All the World

A/N - I wrote this after a scene with Cullen and my mage Inquisitior where Cullen expresses regret about some of the things he had said to my mage Hero of Fereldan (I have a thing for mages, leave me alone!) and this idea just wouldn't leave me. I haven't written in years, so its a little rough, but its also given me some peace. 

"You must kill everyone!"

"And to think I once thought we were too hard on you."

"I hope your compassion hasn't doomed us all"

The long ago words haunt me, sometimes during long hours in the yard, nearly always in dreams, the soundtrack to the sight that haunt me still. I regret those words, those words spit in anger and laced with fear. Hurled at a woman who didn't deserve it.

When the Hero of Fereldan arrived to kill the abominations at the circle during the fifth blight, she had found me in a state - tortured, exhausted, and terrified.

I now regret the things I said. They were callus and insensitive.

Some days I wish I could go back, say or do different. Maybe I could've prevented the attacks, or defended my fellow templars better. Even if I couldn't have that, I could've been kinder to the Hero.

But what's done is done, and I have to live with the nightmares.

"Cullen!" Ellana bursts through my office door, breaking my reverie. "Do you wanna come with me..." She breaks off at my expression. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"That not you're thinking face. That's you're 'trying to shake the nightmares' face. Whats wrong?"

A sigh. "I was thinking about the circle, the things I saw, what I'd said to the hero, I... regret what I said now, deeply."

Ellana came to my side, cupped my face with her hands, and gently kissed my forehead. "You are not your mistakes, Cullen." She whispered. 'You made a mistake, spoke with fear and anger. It doesn't define you now."

I leaned into her grip, conceding for the moment. "Your right. What was it you wanted love?"

She chuckled. "Do you wanna come with me to the kitchens? They made cream puffs, and I want to get there before all the nobles find out."

I laughed, the memories forgotten for the moment.

                                                                                              ~~~~~

Screams. Blood smeared across the walls, heavy footsteps from the floor above.

More screams, this time accompanies by hurried footsteps towards me.

"Cullen? Cullen! Can you hear me?"

I'm awoken by hands, on my chest, on my forehead. When I open my eyes I see Ellana, concerned, peering at me.

"You were having a nightmare. Are you ok?"

Groggily, I nod my head. "I'm ok love. I'm alright"

"Was it from the circle again?" Another nod. "What do you need?"

"Breakfast?" I asked hopefully.

Ellana Laughed. "Sure love. I think the kitchen is making smoked ram, lavender bread with cheese, and some sort of exotic tea."

"Ugh. Why can't it ever be plain bread, and meat cooked over a fire? Something simple?"

"Because the nobles would would never accept such 'peasant' food. She smiled at me indulgently, took my hand, and led me down to breakfast. On the way there, she whispered "I'll see what I can do about getting you some food that tastes like home, love"

I smiled at her, in awe of the wonderful woman standing in front of me.

                                                                                             ~~~~~

"Hey, you busy?" Ellana popped into my office, smiling excitedly.

"Nothing that can't wait. What's going on?"

"Come here. I have a surprise." Her aggressively expressive smile indicated she was up to something. The one that brokered no questions or arguments.

I followed her up to the battlements where we met an excited Liliana and...

I stopped short. The Hero of Ferelden, fresh from travel. Her warden breastplate scuffed and dirty. I hadn't seen her since the circle. So many years past, but it was like she hadn't aged a day. She had carried herself differently, more confident perhaps, and there was glints of silver mixed into her blond hair, but it was her.

"How..." I trailed off.

Lilliana spoke. "I have decided it's time to leave the inquisition. I had always planned that when our work is done, I would return to the Hero's side and assist with her work. I have fully trained my replacement, and he starts work immediately. When I informed the inquisitior, she requested the Hero meet me here."

"The memories of the circle have been haunting you love." Ellana now. "What you said to the Hero especially. I thought giving you a chance to reconcile would do you good."

The Hero had been silent until then. "How have you been, Cullen?"

I smiled at that. "Good. I've gone off lyrium, found a wonderful woman who makes my world spin, and a role that's given me purpose outside the templars. All in all, I'm doing well. You?"

She smiled. "That explains why you look so good. I imagine leading an army of the faithful with the power to change the world several times over dose you good. But I've been doing well. Searching for my own purpose."

I nodded. "I wanted to apologize. The things I said, what I asked of you... I was angry, and terrified. I never should have accused you of anything less than the compassionate, caring person you are. Forgive me?"

The hero laughed, full and heavy. When she had control of herself, "Cullen, you're too hard on yourself. You were tortured, watched your friends and charges die. Anyone would've reacted the same way. By the time I got out of that tower and seen what you'd seen, I'd forgiven you. I'm not so self involved to believe you'd have said anything different to any other warden who came knocking, mage or no. I forgave you years ago. Maybe try forgiving yourself."

I smiled. She'd struck a chord. She always had a way of seeing through a person, putting a puzzle together and sorting out the core of an issue. Good to know she hadn't changed. "Perhaps you have a point," was all I said.

At that moment, Ellana clapped her hands together. "I don't know about you three, but I'm starving, and I'm sure the warden would love a warm bath and a hot meal." She smiled, and headed for the dining hall. "And warden, feel free to leave your gear with the smith. I'll ensure everything is repaired and in tip top shape before you depart, if you'd like." She yelled behind her.

"Oh course Inquisitor. I would love to see how well your smiths can clean up this busted old breastplate."

The seriousness of the moment broken, Lilliana and the Warden chatting away, catching up. Ellana leading the charge, myself bringing up the rear, and reflecting on what the Hero had said. What else did I need to forgive myself for, or let go of?