Drabbles

Splinter // 01

Written: 2022.
Personal
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There is nothing to do really. Well, I'm lying, there are many things to do - yet I don't feel like doing them. I miss the feeling of going outside, and I can do that whenever I want truly, but there is this splinter hidden somewhere on my body that is stopping me.

I'll be honest, I feel like I know where it is, but I can't just pull it out. It weird, isn't it? I know where it resides and I know that by pulling it out I can do just about anything, but I just can't. Maybe it isn't even the fact that I can't - maybe it's the fact that I won't.

I've had it for so long now that if I get rid of it, the missing pain is going to bother me. I'm still afraid, I'm still learning. While doing so, I yearn for the times where I never had the splinter. Back then, I never had to second guess or wonder just how long something will take. I'd go and enjoy the day, or I wouldn't, there's no way to tell what emotions I can experience daily. Now I sit and plan - plan everything.

"Oh if I leave at 10 I'll be back by 4 and that is just about 6 hours and nothing can happen to me in those 6 hours; nothing ever happens."

And then I'd sit in a bus, jaw clenching and all feeling in legs lost while the music in my ears is desperately trying to grab my attention. The splinter hurts, and there is nothing in this world that I'd rather do more than fall on the ground and scream.

I want to go home.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.

And I never do. I keep going, going far while gripping the last piece of rationality that I may have.

"This is the world you've lived in your whole life, nothing can ever change that."

Nothing does.

Everybody knows what I need to do, except for me. And nobody knows what's it like, except for me.  It is quite lonely, horrible really.

Some days however, tend to be blissful. I forget about the splinter and I just happen to feel like I did all those years ago. Incredible, this feeling of freedom.

My biggest accomplishment was sitting by the lake, all by myself, no music to distract me, only the wind and the frogs hiding in the water. I wish I could describe how serene every single second of it was. Even the smell of the seemingly stale water was better than the one of cigarettes in my own room.

Nature is wonderful.

I'll let you in on a little secret - even if it isn't really a secret. Facing your fears and letting go of them is one of the most terrifying things. It takes a very long time to recover from something you thought was going to haunt you for life, but the wait is worth it.

Tomorrow you will wake up thinking it's finally over, and you'll have the most amazing day, and the next it will seem like all of it fell apart. Setbacks are annoying, but we live and we learn, and as long as you keep pushing, they will lessen.

Nothing ever really happens when I go out, and there are lots of things to do in this home, I just need to push a little bit. Maybe stop thinking all together, itching for a cure never did me any good.

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Hi! Okay I am actually doing this, after like a year. I want to apologize again to everyone who expected a new big fanfic, I did start one and it will probably be on hold for a long time, or at least until I am 100% sure I have the time and the motivation to finish it. I hope that these can make up for it and maybe give you folks ideas for your own works :^).

That's it for now, I hope you're all having a wonderful day/night and of course, taking care of yourselves!