Drabbles

Change // 04

Written: 2021.
Personal
________________________

I wish I could tell you that worrying
aimlessly doesn't do any good. There were
times where you made people angry, sad,
hurt - but there were times where you
made them happy. No relationship or
friendship is tightly bound and sprinkled
with happiness. People find new people,
so do you - It doesn't mean that your bond
will waver.

There were times where you thought that
life won't be good to you and that you will
forever be stuck in one place, until you
eventually grow tired and give up. It never
really happened. Changes happen all the
time, it's just hard for your head to adjust.
There's trauma of being left alone, of not
being good enough, and it comes from
other people.

People whose type you simply weren't, or
people who just grow out of something. It
hurts a lot when it's someone you love. So
you do everything in your power to prove
to everyone you love how much you love
them. You do that because you feel bad
about mistakes you have previously made
- times where you've hurt the same people
and apologized.

It hurts even more when all that love
you're pouring doesn't feel reciprocated. It
feels forced. It feels suffocating, like you
are trying to swim on the shore but waves
crash down on you, sending you even
deeper in the cold water. You want to be
told that you are loved and that
sometimes people don't have to tell you
that every day.

Deep down you know who loves you, it's
just that the mistakes you've made stand
firm in front of those beliefs. You feel like
one mistake will tear apart years of love
you've shared and built with your own
words and hands. You feel awful for
saying things you never meant to say, it
was just anxiety. Yet you don't want it to
seem like you're justifying your actions.

If people around you didn't love you, they
would make no efforts to call, text, or even
see you - everybody knows this. Clouds
hide that fact when you feel like you're the
only one reaching out. When you feel like
people do these things just to keep you at
bay. You can't ask for reassurance, they
will think you don't trust them - but it's far
from the truth.

You want people to tell you that even
though you are flawed, you are loved. You
want to know that they will be here as you
heal, and experience the same love they
did from you years ago when you weren't
so anxious, so scared. You want to feel like
there is no need to crawl on the ground
and beg for love.

And there isn't any need. You just think
that. You think that because of those
mistakes. Say sorry if you will, and if you
have - leave it at that. Past can't be
changed, and people who love you will
know that an anxiety episode won't turn you into a villain. Because you aren't.

Because people change.

___________________________
Hi! I've kinda been MIA since my laptop with all of the writings I've collected kinda d worded lol! Thankfully it isn't actually dead, but - I can't even explain bc I have no idea what has to be done bc I don't know anything about technology 👍🏻 my boomer arc 💔 - the point is, the files won't get deleted but I still need to take the laptop to get fixed. So basically this is just an old vent I had in my phone - I didn't plan to publish it here but I do want to publish something and yeah. So until I get my laptop fixed, I'll be on a break (hopefully like two weeks tops).

That's it - Hope you're having a wonderful day/night and please remember to take care of yourselves!