cute librarian // chanlix

chapter 21

"where is he?!" chan exclaimed, running a frantic hand through his half-frozen hair.

"who, lixie?" momo jumped at the sudden yelp from the boy at the doors, "he just clocked out."

"where does he leave? he's not out front."

"he tends to leave out back. he walks the backroad to the dorms."

"oh, god."

out the doors again and into the late winter air, chan was boiling. he was sweating under his coat, and his hands were clenched in clammy fists as he sprinted around the side of the old brick building and pounded his way down the hard dirt trail. he can't have gone far, felix hopes.

he ran harder, faster, anything to get to him now rather than later. school, homework, eating, breathing, living- it could all wait.

as he threw himself through the skinny trees, he spotted a little head of neon hair at the end of the trail, walking with slumped shoulders and a patched messenger bag under one arm.

"felix, wait! please wait!"

the neon light perked up and turned about, seeing a flailing boy dashing towards him at lightning speed. he tried to hold back a laugh, but he did not succeed- anybody would laugh, even someone as sad as him.

"felix!" chan wheezed, coming to a stop at the boot-clad feet of his best friend. his best friend in the entire world, he reminds himself. his only friend.

"why did you chase me down?"

"i still... have more... to say."

"why didn't you say it yesterday? i have to go back and get ready for class."

"please, just wait," chan begged between short breaths, his deep brown eyes like a puppy's.

"i..." felix paused, "oh, fine. alright, out with it."

chan couldn't breathe, seeing as he'd spent his last percentage of lung capacity on an uncomfortable race towards the boy, but he inhaled anyway, ignoring the searing pain in his chest.

"felix, listen. i know it's bad timing, but i-"

"wait, wait, wait. hold on. is this what i think it is?"

"what?"

felix tugged his beanie down further on his wiry hair and scoffed almost mockingly, "are you about to confess to me?"

chan stayed silent, his fiery face enough of an answer.

"how do i know you're not just being sympathetic, chan? how do i know you're not lying? this isn't high school. i'm too fragile to give in to something that isn't real. i'm in love with you- i've never been in love before, ever- and i won't let you walk all over that, because it's real, my feelings are real, and i can't just trust you and let myself get hurt. i can't handle getting hurt, chan, i- i won't survive that unscathed."

the weather hasn't been very gentle on either of them lately, so it's only fitting that the snow that was supposed to fall melted into a downpour. felix tugged the green hood of his waterproof jacket over his head, while tobio stood unmoving beneath the torrential blows. he knew felix was right- this wasn't something to act so impulsively on, was it? was he being too immature? was he doing the wrong thing? but standing there, looking at him in the rain, seeing his eyes and his face and his everything, chan decides he doesn't think so.

"i can't make you believe me. i can only tell you that it took me too long and i wish it hadn't. i'm sorry i put you through it, but i know now, and i hope it's not too late to tell you that i love you, too."

was it rain or was it tears that now rolled so elegantly down felix's royally freckled cheeks? he couldn't tell the difference, because he was too busy trying to decide whether he was mad at his love or happy to hear those words.

"chan, i'm afraid," felix whispered, the rain quieting only a moment to let his message pass, "what if it doesn't work? what if we don't work? you don't know how bad it hurt when you rejected me the first time. what if that happens again? how will i move past that?"

"i don't know."

"I've barely lived since you walked out on me. i'm surprised i've managed to talk to you for so long right now. you shut me down, and now you expect me to think you're telling the truth?"

"I'm sorry. i didn't mean for it to happen like this. i was too blind to admit it to myself because i hate feeling vulnerable, like i can't be strong, but i know now that i don't care about that anymore, and i just want to be with you," chan pleaded, giving up on trying to articulate the words from his brain to his mouth, "i don't need anything else but you, i never did- oh, god, i sound so stupid, it's just-i- hyunjin was just a subconscious distraction, i guess, but he's gone, and it should have been you i was with rather than him."

felix tugged aimlessly at the sleeves of his jacket before adding, "i don't know what to say."

"don't say anything. just think about it, and i'll wait for as long as you want me to. i'll wait, and i'll be here when you decide what you want."

his eyes matched the rain, felix noticed. it was such a beautiful thing, to see his magic mix with mother nature's. only he could pull off such a feat.

"okay."

"okay," chan smiled. he smiled so wide, and every tooth showed (a/n: picture ref below). his cheeks were shiny and red, his eyes glistening as the rain, and he was so happy. felix makes him so happy.

"i... have to get to class."

"okay. i'll see you soon."

"bye, chan."

"bye, felix."

the pouring rain washed the student out of sight as he turned and walked into its veil, and chan was left soaked and sloshing in his shoes on the sidewalk, smiling like a psychopath. he doesn't care how long he has to wait. it could be a day or twenty years, for all he cares. as long as at the end felix is standing there ready to love him some more when this is all over, he'll wait until there's no more time left.

this pic is irrelevant but this is the vlive that got me seriously stanning skz. (felix's 20th bday vlive 🥹) hes so pretty