Hidden Fox

Twelve

I avoided Xavier for the next weeks. I skipped the classes we had together, which unfortunately was the majority of them. Every time my thoughts crossed to him, the guilt constricted me again. I thought about just telling him the truth, but him being my mate was not reason alone to give away my biggest secret.

Shouldn't that be the best reason, the only reason? A small part of me tried to ask.

Deep down, I knew I was hurting him more this way, but I fought against my heart, shutting everyone out.

Including Everlee.

She was his sister, and probably reported back to him for all I knew. So, in Biology all week, she attempted to talk to me, making small talk and asking how I was. I couldn't answer her the way a friend should answer without tears prickling my eyes. And so I kept our conversations clipped and short, even arriving to class later than I usually did and praying to the Moon Goddess the professor would be early and I could focus on the lecture.

By the end, she couldn't seem to take much more of it.

"Ape, c'mon. You've been acting so weird! Xavier even said you broke down on him and he hasn't seen you since. What's going on?"

I eyed her out of the corner of my eye. I was right, the siblings did talk to each other about me. Wonderful.

"I'm fine," I told her sternly, keeping my tone even. On the outside, I was appearing stable and disconnected. But inside I was breaking, holding back all of my emotion and staring at my paper to will myself not to cry. I knew the second I met her eyes I would lose it.

She didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this.

So why was I being like that?

When I glanced at her again, she seemed so puzzled as she gazed blankly at the whiteboard in the front of the room. It was as if I could physically see the wheels turning in her mind, trying to figure me out, find a solution to whatever she was imagining had happened between us. Between Xavier and I.

The second class was over, I darted out of there without letting Everlee speak again, weaving between slow-moving students as they made their way leisurely out into the hall. I made myself lost in the crowd, turning down random hallways in case she happened to be following me. I would find my way to the parking lot eventually.

I managed to hold back the tears until I got into the car. I kept them in the entire drive to the Packhouse. I even made it into the house and up the stairs. But the second I was able to collapse on the quilt-covered mattress, I came undone. I wallowed knowing the guilt I had created about my entire situation. I cried over the loss of an amazing friend. I cried because I was potentially losing myself and I had no idea how to overcome that.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed like that, curled in a ball with my brown hair falling over my face. My knees were against my chest with my arms folded around them and my ankles crossed tightly, almost painfully. The tears slowed and the sobs stopped racking my body, letting oxygen finally flow into my lungs like it normally should. I felt exhausted, but sleep wouldn't come. So, I stayed there, staring at the bedroom door because that was where my face was pointing at.

My mind replayed the time I spent with Xavier. The weeks of classes together, the silent studying at the library (him insisting to just sit next to me even though we didn't speak), and the many lunches in the cafeteria. We had gotten to know each other a bit, enough that I knew both his parents were still alive, and that his middle name was Aatto. Apparently it was Finnish for wolf.

A few times we were close enough I could feel the warmth of our electricity cackling between us, and the shiver his fingers brought when tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. Close enough I was surprised he didn't kiss me. I didn't kiss him.