"We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love." (Robert Fulghum)
Moving...
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I considered futile any attempt to run after Hale, given the length of his legs and the speed he had picked up climbing the stairs. Also, the mere thought of having a conversation with him involving his attention directed at me for any length of time seemed equally futile to me, given that he, for one reason or another, avoids looking at me without having that well known expression of disgust. I don't know the cause of the sickness caused by my face or behavior, but my opinion is that I did not act in such a way that our conflicting relationship is justified, because if that was my intention, he would certainly have been entitled to act as if I don't deserve his attention. Instead, I've been trying to explain to myself for so many years why he wouldn't talk to me, even out of necessity.
Hale isn't the only one confused and frustrated, but, unlike to him, I'm not tempted to break anything, especially if it doesn't belong to me. My impulse is to sit on a windowsill, wide enough for me to fit, preferably with a few pillows in a harmony of colors behind me, and a view that can take breaths away. Unfortunately, I could only see such places in pictures, because our house is an old-fashioned one, the predominant color of which is brown, which I find downright depressing. I'm not a fan of pink or bright red, but faded or old colors don't particularly appeal to me either.
We don't always get what we want, but sometimes I feel like I never got what I wanted. I had dreamed that the friendship between me and Jia would be lasting, we were making absurd plans for the future, how we would raise our children as twins, and at the time everything seemed so amazing and set that I was convinced that it would happen. We were actually joking about how she would marry Hale after the two of us managed to become close. We were going to go to the same college together, because I have no idea what I would like to do daily, what kind of job would suit me, so I would have agreed to whatever Jia proposed and to whatever she was headed for. When I think about it, I actually realize how many real issues I have, such as my disorientation, both spatially and in the future, and I, instead of finding a solution for them, grind my nerves on a memory that it will evaporate over time. I should really think about what I like instead of letting others influence my decisions.
If I've learned anything from what happened with Jia, it's to stop getting my hopes up, and also to stop underestimating anyone. I immediately dismiss questions like "why do our parents do this?" or "can't we stay?", because there's no point in finding more and more distorted versions of reality just to keep me busy. I prefer to wait for a concrete answer, from my parents, that will clarify me completely, because I know that by imagining theories I will never be close to the truth. I never get the option right, not even on tests when I only have two options! I always pick the wrong one if I have no idea what the right answer might be, so I always have to learn because I can't rely on intuition.
I am completely taken aback by Hale's tumultuous change of trajectory, for two minutes ago he was going upstairs, and now I see him coming down. I would not have taken part in the creaking of the steps under the weight of my insufferable brother if I had gone to my room instead of contemplating the absurdity of the essence of my life.
