First responder, second love

Chapter 9

    "Sammy, she's in the emergency room," Alex says to me when he walks into the break room.
    "She has some wounds, but she will be okay."
    "Maddie is here?" I ask, kind of surprised. I didn't think they would find her alive, and Buck thought the same. "How is she, is Evan with her?"
    "Yes, he was in the ambulance with her. He seemed fine." I feel a breath of relive escape my mouth. He is okay, they both are. He didn't lose his sister today, and I'm relieved. I'm relieved that he doesn't have to feel that kind of pain, that he doesn't have to say goodbye to his sister, and that I don't have to comfort him. Because I don't know if I'm able to do that. "He's in the waiting room with the other firefighter. And Chimney woke up earlier. So, it seems like everyone will be okay."
    "Okay is good, okay is great," I say, and I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. I get up from the couch, standing in the break room and I walk up to the door. He looks at me with concern, and he probably sees the tears on my face. He puts his hands on my shoulders.
    "They are safe, Sammy, Evan is safe."
    "You said that already."
    "I know, it just seemed like you needed to hear it one more time."
    "I'm fine Alex, but thanks," I say, and I walk through the door, and go straight to the waiting room. Where I find Buck and the other firefighters. I look at them for a couple of seconds, before I walk up to them, walk up to him. Buck is sitting on one of the chairs, leaning forward with his head between his hands. I try to move my feet, but I'm not able to. Am I scared? Everything will be fine, they're both save, and nothing is going to happen. I know that, but there is something that holds me back. Even though I don't have to comfort him because of his loose. I still look at Buck, but he doesn't see me standing in the hall of the hospital. Buck doesn't notice me, but Eddie does.
    "Sammy, you probably heard that Maddie is safe," he says, and I nod my head. Right away I see Buck pulling his head up from his hands. He looks through the room and sees me leaning against a wall. He admittedly stands up and walks up to me. Without saying a word, he wraps his arms around me.
    "I found her," he says against my ear.
    "I heard; you did good, Buck." After a couple of seconds, I feel my body warming up and my heart starts beating a bit faster. I put my arms around him and hug him back, something tells me that he won't let me go for a while.

It's almost two weeks ago that Maddie got taken by her abusive husband. Almost two weeks ago, Buck was afraid he would lose his sister. And a week ago that almost everyone celebrated Christmas, expect us. Malia organized a little get-together on Christmas Eve, but I took over someone's shift at work. And Christmas day I spent at the hospital as well. Holly and Malia spent the whole day with their families and stayed overnight, Maddie and Chimney celebrated Christmas in their hospital rooms, but maybe they celebrated their survival even more. Buck worked Christmas day as he planned, together with Henrietta, Eddie, and captain Bobby Nash. So, Christmas came and went without even thinking about it, without unwrapping a present from under the tree, watching a Christmas movie or eating so many Christmas cookies that will get you through the new year. But even though I worked a lot these two weeks and ignored one of the biggest holidays, I did realize something. That I'm grateful for the friends I made this year, for the strength I didn't know I had, and for still following my dream. It's almost time to decide on what kind of surgeon I want to be, and I think I'm ready to make that decision. When people ask me that question, I say that I'm not sure yet. I say that I would love to work with children, but that I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for the moment when I can't help one of them. But maybe I am, maybe it's just in my head, and I need to start believing in myself. If I choose pediatric, I would work with Alex a lot more, and I know we would be a great team. He is an excellent doctor, and he is fantastic with kids. Alex is a great guy even though he doesn't show it that often. He is an important person to me, an amazing friend, which I didn't expect at first.
    "You were right," Alex says next to me.
    "Right about what?" I ask with my eyes still on my book.
    "We went out three times now, and it was pretty awesome." I put my book down on the desk and look at Alex. We're sitting in a little study room at the nurses' station.
    "You and Jo are officially dating now?" I ask enthusiastic.
    "Yes, and you were right."
    "What was that? I didn't quite hear you; could you repeat that?" I ask with a little smirk on my face. A smile appears on Alex's face.
    "You were right, Kinsley."
    "I love the sound of that. Alex Karev telling me I'm right, nothing greater than that."
Alex throws a pen at my head, but I dodge. I want to throw it back, but I hear my phone going off. I look at the screen and see that I got a new message from Buck. I open my phone and read the text.
    "Are you free tonight? What about a movie and pizza?" he writes.
    "I'm off at eight," I answer. He almost admittedly texts back.
    "Want to come over after work? I will order the pizza."
    "I will be there." I put my phone down again and look at Alex, who's looking at me with his arms crossed. He doesn't say a word, he just looks at me.
    "What?"
    "Do you have a date tonight?" he asks.
    "What? No, why do you think that? It's not a date, is it? I mean, we're just going to watch a movie and eat pizza."
    "Really, a movie and pizza?"
    "Yeah, what about it?" Alex gets up from his chair without saying a word, and he getters, the books he was using.
    "It's not a date, Alex. I have made it clear that I didn't want to date, that I just wanted to be friends."
    "And why did you, might I ask?" Now I'm the one who doesn't speak, because I don't know if I want to tell Alex the truth. I'm not ready to date anyone, even if it's Buck. Because if I'm being honest, I do think that I'm starting to get feelings for him, but I'm just not ready to do anything with them. "Sammy, can you be honest for a second?" Alex asks while he steps closer to me.
    "Honest about what?" I ask him and I get out of my chair.
    "About your feelings for Buck, and please don't deny that you have those."
    "Why do you care this much?"
    "Because I care about you. I get that you're afraid to feel things like that again, but that doesn't mean you should ignore it."
    "I'm not ignoring them; I'm just not planning on doing anything with them."
    "And why is that?" Alex asks.
    "I just can't. I can't act like everything is fine, because I'm kind of terrified."
    "Well, that's understandable, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try."
    "I'm just not ready Alex, so stop pressuring me," I say defensively, and I collect my things. I take the books off the table without saying another word to Alex.
    "Sammy, I'm not trying to pressure you; I just care about you."
    "If you really cared, you would know when to stop," I say before walking out of the room. I can't believe the nerve Alex has. He keeps talking about how much he cares about me, but doesn't understand me. He should have known that pressuring me doesn't make me do anything. As a matter of fact, it does the exact opposite. If he continues to act like this, I will probably start to push him away. I know that's not a good thing, but that's what I do when things get too real. Ever since Ben died, I'm scared of people who figure me out, people who would tell me the truth and people who care a little too much about me. I know Malia and Holly love me, but I don't tell them everything, not any more. I would never tell them about the feelings I'm starting to get for Buck. Instead, I try to push my feelings away, I lock them up, behind a door in my heart.