First responder, second love

Chapter 18 (Buck)

The last few weeks have been great, well the parts with Sammy in it anyway. She is pretty amazing, and makes me forget about my problems for a while. When I'm with her, it's hard to think about anything else, and I get lots in her eyes, on her lips, and against her chest. She makes me believe that there is more than what I had, more than just enough. There was a moment when I was afraid, I wouldn't get a chance to tell her how I felt, a moment where I thought we would never get a chance to try. When I was surrounded by water, trying to keep Christopher close, I was also trying to make my way to Sammy. Some part of me knew that there was more between us, more than just a friendship. But I was too afraid to ask her, too scared to ruin what we already had. But when I saw her at that hospital, after I found Christopher again, I saw that something was changing. The way Sammy looked at me was different. And when she kissed my lips, I knew that our friendship was over.

It's Friday night, and I'm walking up to my apartment. I started working again this week, but not as a firefighter, unfortunately. They gave me the job of fire marshal, and I'm really hating it. Sammy thought that it was a good way to feel useful again, but it doesn't feel like that. I really wish I could tell her that she was right, and that I'm starting to feel better, but I can't lie to her. Nothing will change until I can go back to being a firefighter. And I know I shouldn't feel like that, like I'm nothing if I can't be a firefighter, if I can't save lives. Whatever Sammy says, whatever she does, my thoughts won't change. I have been searching for a meaning in my life for a long time. I traveled a lot to find my purpose, to find a way to feel useful. And if I'm being honest, I was in need of some self-worth as well.

When I was younger, I always felt like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't wanted, not really. My parents never made me feel loved like a parent should. I always thought that it was my fault, I was probably doing something wrong. But did I really? Was I a difficult kid back then? My sister was the one who took care of me, who got me bandages when I crashed with my bike again, she was the one who made me feel loved. But Maddie was a bit older than me. So, when she started dating Doug (an awful human being), she left me to life with him. And even though I wasn't proud of it, I couldn't help but being mad at her for leaving me. She left me alone with my parents, without anyone who actually cares about me. That was the moment I really lost my way, and I started acting out. I almost never went to school, and dropped out of college. My behavior made my parents more and more disappointed, but I tried not to care about that.

I eventually left home, without telling them where I was going, because I didn't even know myself. I traveled for a month, trying to find my place in the world, trying to find my purpose. And after a long while I found it here in LA, at the 118. You could say that I found more than a job, more than a purpose, I found a family. I found a family at the 118 who actually cares about me, and they're not even obliged to. But now it feels like I'm slowly losing my family, and I'm afraid to be left behind again.

I walk into my apartment and put my bag down on the floor. I throw my shoes of and go to the fridge for a cold beer. The whole week was awful. I've just been working, and Sammy was too busy at work to came over. She promised to stay over tonight. So, there will be something good about this week. I had a talk with a lawyer this week, about some incident that happened during a fire drill at an office building. During the talk, the man suddenly started talking about my situation. He said he knew who I was, and what happened to me. I wanted to leave, but then he said he could help me. And well, I went to his office again today, to talk about my own situation. The lawyer really thinks there is a case, and that we could win. And I don't know why, but I believe him. I somehow believe that he could be the solution, and that he could help me became a firefighter again. I haven't talked with anyone about it, not even with Sammy. Should I?
I hear a knock on the door and I get up from the couch. I walk up to the door and Sam walks into the apartment. She puts her bag down and wraps her arms around my neck. She kisses my lips and I put my arms around her waist. We stand there, kissing each other for a few minutes, before we get something to drink and take our seats on the couch.
    "How was work?" I ask Sammy, while she's taking a sip of her beer.
    "Very busy, but it was a good day," she says. Sammy barely shares stories about her work, even though I can sometimes tell that she had a bad day. She works with kids, and she's not able to help all of her patients. There are nights when she walks into my apartment without saying a word. On those nights she just wraps her arms around me, and says that she needs me, but she doesn't want to talk. I don't know if that's healthy, but to be honest, I do the same thing. In those moments, I give her what she needs, but I let her know that she can talk with me about anything. And I really hope that she does someday.
I look at her face, and I see that she's telling the truth. She's not avoiding making contact, she's not trying to hold back tears, and she's not about to jump my bones.
    "How was your day?" she asks, and she looks at me.
    "It was fine."
    "I know you're hating it, Buck; you don't have to lie. You're not very good at it."
    "I'm really trying, Sammy, but it's not me. I do hate it indeed."
    "I know, and I'm sorry that you have to do that job. But you have to stick with it, a little longer."
    "For how long? Because I don't know how long I can do this stupid job. I'm not feeling useful in any way, I feel worthless," I say without thinking about it. I see Sammy's face, and I know I startled her.
    "Please don't ever say something like that, don't ever think that you're worthless," she says, and she takes my face in her hands. "You're not worthless, not to me, not to your sister and to your friends. I hate that you think about yourself in that way, and I wish I could make you change your mind."
    "I haven't talked to my friends, not really. I feel like I'm losing them, like they are leaving me behind."
    "Just because you're not a firefighter at the moment? Why do you think like that?"
    "That's a thing I do, I'm afraid. I consistently think that people are leaving." Sammy shakes her head. I feel her fingers on my face, on my lips, and I want her to kiss me.
    "Nobody is going to leave you, Evan." I know that she means it, and I want to believe her, but something in me is trying to screw with my head. A voice in there is telling me that I'm not worth it to be loved, that I'm a burden. Because the younger version of me felt like that for a long that, like I couldn't make anyone love me enough to keep them for leaving. And yes, I'm trying really hard with Sammy. Because I want to be with her, I want to make us work. Sammy is worth the try, to change, and to fight for what I feel.
    "I won't leave you, Evan," I hear her say, and I feel her lips on mine. We start to kiss, and I feel her tong against mine. She pulls me closer to her, lays down on the couch and wraps her legs around my waist. I start to kiss her neck, her earlobe, and I hear her humming. I take my shirt off and she touches my bare skin. The temperate is rising in the apartment, and my body is getting warmer.

It's Thursday morning, and I'm walking up to the office of my lawyer. I have been meeting with him for the last few days, and I still haven't talked to Sammy about it. But she knows, I'm sure of it. Because today we have a meeting with the other lawyer and the people of the fire station. This is the first day in almost two weeks I'm going to talk to my friends again, but I don't know if we will still be friends. I'm almost certain that Eddie has talked with Sammy about it. They're really good friend, and hang out with each other often. And no, I don't sound jealous. Eddie is a great guy, and I get why they like hanging out with each other. Eddie gets Sammy, they both lost the love of their life. And I will never understand her as well as Eddie can on that front. But even though Sammy knows about the whole situation, she never asks me about it, I'm not sure why. But maybe it's a good thing, because I'm afraid to hear her say that she is not on my side.

I arrive at the office where we have our appointment, and I see my old friends standing in the hall. My lawyer walks up to me and shows me a subtle smile.
    "You're ready to win this?" he asks, and I nod my head.
    "Can you explain to me why you thought this was a good idea?" I hear Sammy ask from the kitchen. I'm sitting on the couch and staring at the television. This morning was awful, hearing my lawyer talk about my friends' personal lives was awful, and I feel bad for putting them through that. Sammy came over without letting me know, and right away I knew the reason for her visit. "They are your friends, Evan, your family. Why would you put them through something like that?" I don't say a thing, because I know I was wrong. I know it was a bad idea, and I don't need anyone to confirm that. "They feel bad for what happened, but they can't change anything about it. So, why are you blaming them?"
    "I'm not blaming them," I react, and I get off from the couch. "I'm not blaming them for what happened."
    "Then what are you doing, Evan?" Sammy asks, and she looks at me like she doesn't know the person in the room with her.
    "I felt like they dropped me, like they went on, and left me behind."
    "Evan."
    "No, they did, sort of. I barely talk to them, and when I visit them at the station, they act different. They even replaced me."
    "They didn't replace you. That woman works temporary with them, until she can go back to her own station."
    "Did Eddie tell you that?" I ask irritated. Sammy looks stunned, and she puts her tea mug down. "Are you and Eddie talking about me? Are you two enjoying making fun of me?" and I realize that maybe I am a bit jealous of the time Sammy spends with Eddie. But I don't know where it comes from. Why am I thinking like that? Sammy never gave me a reason for doubting her. She would never cheat on me, would she?
    "Why do you say that? We would never make fun of you; I would never do that."
    "Sure, you do. You and Eddie are really enjoying each other's company, are you?" I say, and with that I know that I'm screwing everything up, and I feel like there's no way back.
    "What are you saying? Are you saying that I'm cheating on you with Eddie? Are you serious? God, what is wrong with you? How could you think for one minute that I would do something like that?"
    "I don't know, I just. You and Eddie...."
    "Me and Eddie what? Eddie and I are screwing, Eddie and I are making love, or do you think I'm leaving you for him?
    "Sammy, I...."
    "No, I can't be here right now. I can't look at you, without wanting to slap you. I need to leave, now," Sammy says while I hear her voice breaking. She takes her jacket from the chair and runs to the door. Before I know it, I'm alone, and I know exactly who to blame, me.