First responder, second love

Chapter 11

The last few weeks went by pretty fast. I worked a lot of hours and I finally decided on which kind of surgeon I wanted to be. And yes, I chose pediatric because I know I can help a lot of children and I really want to. I need to make this world a little better, and where better to begin than children who need help the most. After being strangled by a very angry dad, by a man who hasn't done the right thing, I knew what to choose. I'm glad they told me that the two teenagers were doing well. The girl Jennifer went to an aunt, who didn't have the same awful thoughts like her older brother. The teenage boy Derek even came by the hospital a couple of days later, to thank me. He told me Jenny was feeling much better, and that they have to thank me for that. And it gave that little nudge I needed to make my decision.

After spending one Saturday with Christopher, I'm already one of his favorite people. He didn't want to say it, but he might like me better than Buck. Well, Buck thinks that anyway, me I'm not so sure. Buck is pretty awesome with kids; he is really cute with Chris. They seem like they are best friends. And I loved watching them play almost every game in the game hall.

Buck and I spent a lot of time together these last couple of weeks, and everything is normal again. There are no awkward moments any more. We are just friends, like I wanted. Besides Buck, I started to hang out with Eddie more often. He is a good person to talk to, he is a good listener, and he almost always knows what to say. It feels good talking to him about Ben and hear him talk about his wife. We are there for each other, in a way I never expected was possible. I know my friends mean well, and that they want to do the same, but their feelings are different. They don't know how it is to lose someone you were planning to spend the rest of your life with. I know they loved Ben, he was a friend to them, but it's just not the same. They won't ever fully understand me, like I won't ever fully understand them.

I walk up to the entrance of an office building and take the elevator to the eighth floor. A woman with swollen eyes stands in the elevator next to me. I hear her snivel quietly; in the hope I don't hear her. She looks like she's around my age. Her dark, red hair is in a high bun, and a couple of hair locks are falling out. The young woman is wearing grey sweatpants and a long jumper. To be honest, she's not looking that great and that's not due to her clothing choices. The elevator stops at the eight floor and the woman looks at me before she gets off with me. I walk behind her up to the practice of Doctor Blossom. We walk through the door together and take a seat in the waiting room. There is a small table next to my chair and I see a box with tissues standing on it. I grab a couple of tissues out of the box and hand them to the woman next to me. She takes them from me, but doesn't look up. I feel sorry for her, even though I don't know her or her story. I can see she's in pain and that's enough to feel sorry for her.
    "Samantha Kinsley," I hear a woman say. I get up from my chair and walk up to the woman standing in the doorway of her office. "Good to see you again, Samantha," the woman named Doctor Veronica Blossom says to me. I nod my head and follow her through the door. I take a seat on the big, comfy couch at the window, and Doctor Blossom takes her seat in the armchair. "Well, is there anything you would like to talk about today, Samantha? Or do you want to talk about something we discussed last week?"
    "No, that's not necessary," I answer her.
    "How were the last couple of days? How have you been feeling?" I take my shoes off and pull my legs up on the couch. The first time Doctor Blossom told me to get comfortable on the couch, it felt a little strange. It felt weird putting my feet on a stranger's couch. But now it feels right, it feels comfortable, just like she wanted me to feel.
    "I've been feeling much better. I learned to talk about the harder things, to share the feelings I have the thought which are in my head and making me crazy sometimes. That friend I told you about, Eddie, he really helps me. And I know I have to do it on my own, but it feels nice, talking with him feels good," I tell the woman. She crosses her bare legs and writes something down in her notebook. The first few times it made me very nervous. Seeing her write, but not knowing what. Fortunately, I don't feel like that anymore. I don't worry about what she's writing about me. She's helping me, that's all I need to know. The woman pulls her knee-length skirt a bit down, and she looks at me.
    "I'm pretty sure I told you that you don't have to do this alone. There is no shame in asking for help, like you have done. And I'm glad to hear that you found a way to open up to someone."
    "Just not to the one I have to," I react, disappointed.
    "Are you revering to Evan, or as you call him Buck?" Veronica asks while she looks up the name Buck.
    "Yes, I've been spending a lot of time with him. He is a pretty amazing guy," I tell her and a little smile appears on my face.
    "Can you humor me for a moment? What if you decided to date him, you answer the feelings you both have; how would that look like?"
    "Why, I'm not doing that," I answer, a little stunned.
    "Please Samantha. I promise you; I'm not doing this to tease you."
    "Okay. I don't know, we would go out, do all the things we're supposed to. What do you want me to say?" I ask her, a little confused.
    "How would it make you feel, being with, knowing he will be there for you, and showing the real you?"
    "I would be terrified," I only say to her.
    "Why Samantha? What is so terrifying about being in love with someone?"
    "It could all go away, I would have another person I love way too much, just another person I could lose," I answer with tears in my eyes.
    "You can't live like that the rest of your life, Samantha, you know that."
    "Of course, I do, but I don't have another choose."
    "I think you do. Do you think I'm not scared to lose my wife, that something happens to my two beautiful kids? Everyone is afraid of losing the people they love the most, but that doesn't keep them from loving them and make the most of their life. You can't keep holding that wall up, just because you're afraid to lose someone again. That's not a good way to live your life, Samantha."
    "I know," I say while a few tears roll down my face.
    "How do you think you could change the way you're living right now?"
    "Stop thinking like that."
    "Let's start a little smaller. If you do have feelings for Evan, like you said, why not act on them? It sounds like he makes you feel good about yourself."
    "Yeah, he does. Evan makes me feel safe, like I belong, and I feel like I'm good enough when I'm with him."
    "Well, that sounds like a pretty awesome man. Can you maybe think about how you would talk to him?"
    "You want me to tell him about Ben, don't you?"
    "Yes, that would be a good step in the right direction, but I also know that it won't be easy. But can I tell you something, Samantha?"
    "Yes."
    "I think you are a pretty strong young woman, who doesn't know what she's capable of. Yes, you lost the love of your life, but you also picked yourself up and went back to work. You have started your second year of residency and I really think you will do great things." The smile comes back on my face and I wipe the few tears on my face away.
    "Thanks for saying that. I do think I struggle believing in my own strength most of the times. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my work at the hospital. It's just hard sometimes to keep going, to keep fighting for my happiness."
    "I know, and trust me, you're not the only one that struggles with that sometimes."
    "I just need to scare those terrible thoughts away," I say, and it again makes me think back to my dad. I know I have to call him, I want to talk with him, like we did when I was younger. He was my hero when I was a kid, and I could use a little of his power.