When All is Lost

Chapter 32

A soft knock came on the door that told me my time was up. No more than a few minutes could have passed, but my time to hide away – to be sick in private – was limited. Without thinking, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and left a sticky trail of blood across my lips. The copper smell hit my nose causing me to drop to my knees by the toilet and vomit up the little bit of fluid I had left.

"You okay in there?" Ian's voice softly called from the other side of the door.

I couldn't answer him. Tears fell freely as a gagged repeatedly with nothing coming up.

The bathroom door creaked open, filtering in the smallest bit of light before shutting again, leaving the two of us in near-pitch-black darkness. I spat into the toilet, trying to get rid of the last of the acidic feeling on my tongue.

I almost jumped out of my skin when a hand touch my back and began to gently pat it. It was such an unexpected gesture of kindness after such stark ugliness that I was tempted to shy away from it. Instead, I found myself clinging to the comfort it gave me.

"What a day..." Ian's voice had an edge.

I let out a small, sardonic laugh between the last of my gags. When my stomach finally settled, I fell back on my butt and Ian stepped to the side, giving me room to scoot away from the toilet. I backed up until I found the nearest wall and the place where I'd tossed my backpack before I'd gotten sick. I nudged it to the side and let my head rest against the wall, closing my eyes and simply feeling the cold plaster on my cheek.

"Yeah, I'd say it's been a pretty bad day," I said, letting out a shaky sigh. I heard rather than saw Ian sit across from me. In the little light in the room, I could only just make out his shape leaning against the cabinets beneath the sink.

Exhaustion settled heavily in my mind and bones, but I knew there was still work to be done. "I should get back out there," I told him, reluctant to move.

"It's handled."

I sat up a little straighter. "But Paula..."

"Prisha helped me bring her in. Ray is watching the guy and Misty already went upstairs to check on Jamie and Carlos. It's handled."

His word gave me such an intense feeling of relief that I had the urge to collapse. Not wanting to show it, I chose to hug my knees to my chest.

"Thank you," I told him, my voice coming out no louder than a whisper.

"Just take a minute to breathe."

I did exactly that. Blocking out all other thoughts and worries, I let myself find respite between the inhales and the exhales. It was nice but not enough. It felt like the world was swallowing me whole. So much had happened in so little time that I couldn't help but feel small parts of myself had been lost along the way.

"Tell me something nice." I wanted something else to focus on. Anything other than the gnawing, hollow feeling that was scratching at my insides.

"Something nice?"

"Anything."

Ian didn't respond right away. I jolted a little when he let out a long sigh. "I've never really been good at saying nice things."

I scoffed. "Well, that's not true."

"Really?" His tone held hints of bitter disbelief.

"You say plenty of nice things. I'm sure half of it is either pleasantry or bullshit, but I know you can be earnest. At least, you have been with me."

A heavy silence stretched between us. I hadn't meant for the topic to go where it had. It was getting harder to remind myself that he still had his secrets. I wanted to speak up, to break the awkward tension, but I was at a loss for what to say.