The Comeback

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Renee

The pounding in my chest was hard, even though I could feel the thumps push against my ribcage, it was the way I could hear the blood rush to my head. My hands would start to clam up, the sweat wasn't light either, it was thick with an oily texture that no matter how much I washed them, the grease would still remain. The heat would slowly creep up my body, only for it to consume me. At times, I couldn't breath, it was like the oxygen was stuck in my throat and my lungs couldn't digest it. It was then that I would feel so lightheaded that I would just huddle myself away from the world. 

Everything around me moving forward or passing by. It was as if I was stuck in a loop of watching ships pass by. I wouldn't speak, I wouldn't eat. My body just continued to crumble away into dust. It was like a dark cloud had decided to wrap me in it's embrace; it was holding me down like a heavy weight pressing on my chest, refusing to release me from it's poisonous thoughts. Truthfully, I had forgotten this feeling. It had been years since I felt this way, so it was rather overwhelming. 

My emotions weren't in check, they were all over the place. It's why I refused to speak to Jack and Roman. I couldn't bare myself to snap or shout at them. Inside I was like a kettle of hot water that was being pushed, I knew it wouldn't be long before I snapped and I couldn't live with the guilt that this would put on Roman. I knew he was blaming himself, every time I saw him his eyes were filled with remorse and regret. A part of me wanted to blame him, maybe if we didn't work together or weren't such good friends, maybe, just maybe none of this would have happened. 

However, every time this thought crosses my mind, I can't help but feel a cold shiver down my spine, as my eyes water at the thought of leaving Roman. The pain was excruciating. A life without Roman was just something I couldn't imagine. The light that brings to my life, he's the bestest friend I have ever had. I always feel safe around him, it's like I've been packaged away in bubble wrap.  All I can think about is how much I trust him, how much I believe in him, he's like my soul mate. 

I shook my head, he's not my soul mate. He's just my best friend. His position in my life won't change, but again some crazy thoughts start to slip into my mind. 

Wasn't Lewis just a friend?

Lewis was like your best friend, you told him everything. 

He used to be your ear for everything. You were always seeking his advice. 

Wasn't Roman just a newer shinier version?

I couldn't help but sink back into my chair, I quickly picked up my drink as I started to chug it down. It was then that I thought about Lewis deeply. I couldn't help but realise even though his actions were right, I had to accept some of the fault. When I compared Roman and Lewis, there were some similarities but they weren't the same person. Roman was warm and approachable to all, but when he developed more meaningful relationships, he found it difficult to trust people. Whereas Lewis, he was an extremely aloof and cold person but he would trust the wrong people. Lewis lived for the praise, the way he thrived off it, it was almost borderline narcissism.

Yes, Lewis started out as a friend but I couldn't admit that I wasn't nearly as close to Lewis as I was with Roman. Lewis' friends and entourage are people that I dislike, if they were on fire, I probably wouldn't urinate on them. Both mine and Lewis' priorities were different, even our beliefs were the complete opposite. I remember the many times I defended our relationship with the same sentence - "Opposites attract". But do they truly? I was of the belief that it would balance me out, however it only created conflict and tension between us.

I remember feeling trapped and it was impossible to talk to someone about what I was feeling. I had tried to talk to Lewis but he didn't listen to me, he dismissed me, told me that I was always nagging at him and then he would shout and scream at me and somehow no matter what, I was always the bad guy, I was always the one in tears. After a while, I got fed up of trying to have a constructive conversation about our marriage. Eventually I just became passive and accepted his behaviour.

However, Roman he provided me that safe place to speak my mind, he helped me become the strong women who went up against the big bosses of the football clubs, he helped me develop the little confidence I have now. This confidence was something I would cling onto because it was at least bringing me a little bit of hope that I can survive this. Reflecting on everything I wouldn't change that I was friends with Roman, because without him I wouldn't have survived Lewis' pyschological warfare, I also wouldn't have been able to safe the twins from one of Liza's boyfriends. 

I just had to accept my fate. If these were the cards that were handed to me, then I would do whatever it took to be the best version of myself. Even though my life was crumbling beneath my feet, I was adament that I wouldn't crash to the ground. I would merely fall with grace, pick myself off and build myself up again. 

"You seem to swirling that glass around..." Roman interrupted my thoughts. 

"Huh? What do you mean?" I replied as I stared off into the distance. 

"Well you look like you have something on your mind, you almost look like a supervillain in that chair with the glass of wine. You're just missing the cat" He chuckled as he brushed his fingers through his tousled hair. 

"Shut up" I quickly respond by taking the pillow from behind my back and smacking it in his face. 

"I can't believe you hit me!" Roman gawped. 

"Only with a pillow, or can you not take it." I teased. 

"I can't believe you hit me." He repeated. 

"Don't try to make yourself the victim here." I pointed my finger at him as I wiggled my brows so he knew I was playing with him. I didn't want him to feel guilty anymore and today was the first day he seemed to have cheered up. "Besides, it was merely a pillow fight that I won!" I exclaimed. 

"What?! You took any my first pillow fight. Do you know you have ruined every straight teenage boy's dream! Where are the girls? Where are the flimsy nightwear and panties." He started to rattle on about his Hugh Hefner dream. I can't help but laugh and admire the creativity that goes through his mind. 

"I'm thinking about going back to work." I blurted out. 

"Really? This soon? The scandal..." Roman started to mutter.

"A rumour is a rumour. Gossip is gossip. Lies can not be true and the truth can not be a lie. Eventually my innocence will be proven. If we start by attacking Liza or Lewis now, it might get worse." I shook my head. "No it would just stay in the headlines. We just need to focus on moving forward with our lives. We don't need to deal with them right now. Let Liza thinks she is wrong. If I was to continue to stay hidden people might think that I was actually guilty."

I could see from Roman's eyes that he was concerned but he was contemplating my words. It was then that he gave me a quick nod of approval. "Good, now let's give Jack and call and work out our long term plan." I explained.

With that we were taking the first steps to getting my life back under control.