Brotherhood lasts a lifetime

Chapter 5

Their drive home was silent. Jim glanced worryingly at his boyfriend while driving. He knew his boyfriend inside out. Knew all about him and his moods. About how he would go days without talking when he was caught in his own mind. But he never had seen him like this before.

Buck just stared out of the window. He didn't know what to think. He had worried for so long about what his teammates would think of him. Dating again. Dating some other than Mac. But all Hondo did was accept it.

How badly had he craved their acceptance? How badly had he craved contact with them? All these years he had thought about reaching out to them. About being with them again. Talking to them. But the shame had held him back.

Shame about his anxieties. About his grief. About how his commanders had to track him to a therapist and how he fought them as they wanted to leave.

A warm hand on his shoulder pulled him out of his thoughts.

"You back with me Evan?", Street asked worriedly.

Buck just nodded and grabbed his boyfriend's hand. He needed to feel the warmth to let it ground him.

"What do you think about going inside? We can change into comfy cloth and go to bed. We can talk about it if you want or we can just cuddle or I can even leave you alone if that's what you want!"

That was the last thing, Buck wanted at the moment. He knew, if Street wouldn't have pulled him out of his thought spiral he would still be caught inside. He would lose himself in his own mind. So he shook his head no vehemently.

"Okay, so I won't leave you alone. What about going inside and cuddling in bed?"

Buck thought about it for a minute. That didn't sound too bad. So he nodded yes.

With Street's help, it only took a few minutes for Buck to get out of the car and into the house. They changed into more comfortable clothing for the night, brushed their teeth, and cuddled together in bed.

"Wanna talk about it?", Street asked as they were pressed together in bed.

Buck opened his mouth in an attempt to speak but no sound came over his lips. A silent tear rolled down his cheek.

Sometimes it happened. Sometimes his brain decided that it was too much and just shut him up. His therapist had called it selective mutism. They had tried to work out triggers, but it seemed fruitless. It always happened, when he expected it the least.

"Oh Ev, it's okay. Take your time. I am okay with just cuddling."

Buck didn't know with what he deserved Street. He was so understanding and gentle all the time.

And he? He could do nothing to give it back. He couldn't take him out. Couldn't show him the affection he was worth. Hell, some days (more often than not lately, if he was honest with himself) he didn't even want to leave the house. What the hell was wrong with him?

Cuddled against Street and his boyfriend playing with his curls he slowly drifted to sleep.

The next morning, he woke to the smell of fresh pancakes. As soon as he opened his eyes and saw the sun shining brightly into their bedroom his brain picked up the thought spiral he was caught in while going to sleep.

All the things his parents had trained into him came to the surface and tormented him.

"You're never going to be good enough."

"You can't do anything right you little bastard!"

"I don't even know how anyone still takes the effort with you. I wouldn't waste my time with you worthless piece of shit."