Limited Life

Pathetic

"Do you hate me?" I asked, looking at her lonely silhouette. She was quiet for a while, as if wondering how to answer. Or maybe she was wondering why I ask or care. To be honest I didn't know why I asked that. Then she answered.

"No. I don't hate you. Hating you would mean I care about you, but I don't. Not anymore. We used to be friends but now you are just a pathetic little alpha. You are not worthy of my hate."

"Pathetic?" I asked, confused. How could I be pathetic?

"Needing to take others down to feel good about yourself. Pathetic. Your ego is so fragile I feel bad that my answer will probably hurt it severely." I hadn't heard her speak that much in a long time, nor say such harsh things. Is that how she really thought about us? Me? My friends? That we were nothing? That making fun of her was the only way we could feel better about ourselves? About our insecurities? Was she right? Throughout all this she never raised her voice. She said everything in a monotone voice as if reading a news article about the weather. She couldn't care less. In her mind she was just stating facts.

I looked at her. There was nothing in her eyes. No hate, no love. She really didn't care. Not one single bit. Somehow that hurt me. I was thinking about her a lot, but she didn't seem to care about me at all.

We used to be best friends before school started. I used to see her every day. I used to talk with her and only her about our nerdy topics. We read Lovecraft together.

I still remember vividly our last Halloween, where she took me into the dark forest just to cite nevermore from Edgar Allan Poe to me. She had spent weeks learning this by heart to not ruin the atmosphere with a flashlight.

But that was all six years ago. In the last six years, the times we have spoken, I can count on one hand.

I can't recall her face anymore how she looked when I, for the first time, sided with my friends and joined them in making fun of her. Was she sad? Angry? Disgusted?

Now there weren't any of these feelings anymore. I wasn't in her eyes or heart anymore. I was just somebody that she used to know.

She got up and left. I watched her walk away into the forest like an idiot. Her words were still fresh in my ears and her emotionless eyes had stabbed my heart.

I do admit I made mistakes, but I always thought she'd understand. It was just to protect her. If we were officially friends then they would make fun of me, too. My parents wouldn't allow that. I couldn't allow that. I was going to be the alpha of the clan, I couldn't be some nobody who likes lovecraft and is into nerdy shit. No way!

And come on, what we did to her wasn't that bad? It was just some jokes! We would all forget about it once we were older. A scream interrupted my thoughts and I dashed into the dark forest. That sounded very much like my sister Jane.