Limited Life

Forgiven?

My life with my mate was better than I had ever imagined. Our new year together was perfect! She was so happy and seeing her smile made my heart skip a beat.

I hated myself in that moment for all the times I made her sad. Just thinking about it, I could have seen her smile for much longer! I had been such an idiot.

Ayla mentioned something on new years. I hadn't noticed it myself, but after she said it I noticed it was true. Muru had just taken over for three months instead of five. Did that mean that she stayed a few months with me without my knowledge? Was she slowly getting ready to forgive me?

The thought alone made my heart beat faster. I love Ayla, with all my heart, but the one I love even more than that is Muru - and I realised that too late.

Ayla is great. She is an amazing mate and the most beautiful and strong wolf I had ever seen, but I knew that Muru would complete me in ways she never could. It was as if Ayla was the mate to my wolf Argus and I was the mate to Muru. The four of us would be completely complete together.

I missed Muru. Her nerdy jokes. The way she could get excited over a H.P. Lovecraft story that she could talk about for hours on how he described something.

I remember one time when we were young she had confessed that she would love to take a picture of the architecture described in his stories, knowing full well that it was impossible.

"Damn I miss you." I muttered. But hey, maybe she was in the process of finally forgiving me! The thought alone made my heart flutter. If she forgave me I could show her how much I had changed. The therapy had helped me a lot - actually us, as my sister later joined.

She also wanted to talk to Muru whenever she was ready and ask for her forgiveness. She actually had told me a few months ago what actually had happened in the forest on that fateful day. It made me feel even more guilty. I had already apologised to Ayla, who had accepted my apology. I even saw her writing it into her  journal. She thought she was being sneaky with it and I just couldn't bring myself to expose her.

Ayla could see how hard I was working on myself. How hard I tried to make us work. I would do everything and anything for her. I would never hurt her again. I had my anger under control now. That didn't mean I stopped my sessions. I would go once every month just to be sure. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever were to hurt her again.

I thought back to that day I beat her up. It wasn't the first time I had lost control, but it was the first time ever I lost control in front of her. I had known about my anger issues when it came to my little sister. Why didn't I go to therapy sooner? My parents had tried to get me into therapy several times, but I had always refused. Therapy wouldn't help if you didn't want it so my parents had to give up. I was so stupid back then!

I still remembered vividly what Muru said that day. She didn't hate me. It still stung, now even more than ever. I finally understood what she was trying to tell me. I was not in her heart or her mind. I wasn't worthy of being hated. They say the opposite of love is indifference and just now I understood that it was right.

If she hated me, she would at least feel something towards me. Anything. But if she didn't hate me - then I was nothing to her. I didn't want to be nothing to her. I wanted to be her world. I wanted her to feel safe with me. I wanted her to be happy with me - or even without me. Okay maybe not, but I would try my best. I wanted her to smile like she used to when we were children.

I still remember that smile, I see it often on Ayla. I cannot remember the last time I saw it on Muru. It just vanished over time, fading away, just to never appear again. I wanted it back. More than anything. Would I ever get it back?

"I hope you can forgive me." I whispered, looking down on Ayla in my arms. She stirred in her sleep. "Please forgive me, Muru." 

I hoped she heard me. I really did.