Limited Life

Warm Sun

I was back in the cottage in lapland. I could feel the end coming. My consciousness was slowly fading away. It made me happy. It made me sad. I had asked Ayla for privacy on my last day and she had granted me that wish. We had spent the lats night together, dancing underneath the ever wavering lights of the nights.

I was a little sad, because I would never see the beautiful scenery in front of me again. Never again hear the sound of reindeer hooves on snow. See the trees putting on their snowcoat in the middle of winter and the auroras would never dance before my eyes ever again.

At the same time I was happy. Excited. The pain I felt every day would pass. I would not feel it anymore. The never ending struggle my life had been would come to an end on my own terms. I made it. It's a weird feeling to describe, but I felt at peace with myself.

I doubt that anybody except Ayla would even notice my passing. Was I sad about this? Yes and no. Yes, because no one cared about me, no, because at last it wouldn't make anyone else sad. No one except Ayla would shed tears for me and that was okay. I was in enough pain all my life, I didn't wish to inflict any more pain on anyone.

I just wanted to leave peacefully. I just wanted the pain my existence was to come to an end.

Ayla had asked me if she should be there for the last of my days. I had declined. Just one last night was all I could give her, willing to give her. Loneliness can really be addicting. The more time had passed the more I enjoyed being by myself.  By now I felt the most comfortable when I was all alone. When I am honest, with Ayla around I often felt guilty. I didn't want to feel guilt on my last day.

People scared me. People hurt me. Words hurt me. Eyes hurt me. But here, I was alone. No one would look at me, no one was here. I could just do what I wanted. No one would judge me. No one would say hurtful things. It made me feel at peace.

Was I Happy?

I like to think so, but maybe I forgot what real happiness felt like. For me happiness was to feel at ease. At ease to just be myself without worrying that someone was judging me. Now when I thought about it, maybe all the bullying did more damage to my mind than I wanted to admit. People scared me. Every look, even if it wasn't, I always felt like it was directed at me. Every laughter I thought was about me. It probably wasn't. I guess they broke me down good, without me even noticing.

I wiped away a single tear that had fallen from my eye. Where did it come from? Did it even matter? Soon the pain would end.

It was April and there was still about a metre of snow on the ground. I was sitting in front of the cottage drinking cocoa watching the sunset. The sun was painting the snow in all warm colours. I fell in love with this place once again.

Sitting in the warm evening sun I closed my eyes. Enjoying the warmth. Enjoying the loneliness. The happiness and warmth I found in my loneliness. I was happy.

I was finally at peace. No more struggles. No more lies. No more life. No more me.