After the completion of cancer treatment there is a sense of relief. The knowledge that the hard part is (mostly) over. That the scary stuff is done.
What comes later is the feeling of "what now?".
It may take days, weeks, or even months, but eventually it's expected that you get back into some semblance of a "normal" life. And with this normal life comes normal stressors.There's traffic and work deadlines and spilling your coffee. Things that were a problem before cancer came into the picture. The trivial things that you realize don't really matter when you're faced with the possibility of dying before your 30th birthday.
Going through the cancer journey can give perspective. It can grant peace of mind in the absolute knowledge that the little inconveniences truly don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Yes, it sucks that all the close parking spots are taken, but at least I'm healthy enough to walk the farther distance. At least I'm not in the hospital any more. At least I'm not dead.
Going through a cancer diagnosis recalibrates the baseline for what is "bad". No minor inconvenience can really compare to cancer. Compare to dead.
I had a joke with my family whenever I had to do something that was uncomfortable or I didn't want to do. I'd say "Still better than cancer" to get myself through it.
The flipside of this impossible comparison is harder to live with. When the bad things happen, when you lose a file you've been working on and have to start from scratch, when you drop your phone and the screen cracks, it's human to be frustrated. To be angry. To feel whatever it is that you feel in that moment. But almost everything is better than cancer. Almost nothing compares to dead. So how can these two pieces of information be true at the same time? How can it not matter in the grand scheme of things and it feels so terrible in the moment? Why, when it doesn't matter, does it still hurt? And then the feeling that it shouldn't hurt, that you're wrong for having those emotions because it could definitely be worse, you have a first-hand experience. The disconnect between the two can cause a lot of anger, guilt, and general mental anguish.
The most important thing to remember is that you are still human. You still have emotions. Life is still happening and life is messy. With life comes bad things and it's okay to have negative feelings about it. Just because you survived such a terrible and traumatic ordeal doesn't mean that you have to be a saint and be happy about the everyday things that frustrate and hurt you, even if it can never compare to cancer or dead.
It's an impossible comparison. Nothing except another life-threatening, traumatic event can ever compare. Give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling and to go from there.
Be kind to yourself, your emotions are valid. Let yourself feel whatever it is and accept that it's real, that there's no shame in it. And when it's past, allow yourself to move on. It's easier to see the bright side after you've let yourself be truly angry or sad about something, rather than forcing your way past it and into the positive or feeling guilty about your emotions. Being frustrated for feeling frustrated is an endless loop that will continue feeding into itself if you don't allow yourself to just be and accept that sh!t happens and you're going to have feelings about it no matter what you've been through before.
It's not easy; it takes practice and patience. You can use the impossible comparison to your benefit as long as you don't let yourself get lost on the wrong side of it. Because, really, almost anything is better than cancer.
May 2023
YOU ARE READING
F*** Cancer (stories from a twenty-something survivor)
Non-FictionThe title says it. I was diagnosed with cancer as a twenty-something and it wasn't fun. This book will have journal style chapters where I talk about things, mostly to do with cancer, but other things as well. I want this to be a place where we ca...
