Walking the Right Path

Chapter 3

***DISCLAIMER: this chapter contains content of suicidal thoughts***

After taking the quickest train to who knows where, I found myself perched in front of a butcher shop close to an alley. It was dark and the broken light stamp I was leaning on was doing nothing to illuminate the place. I didn't mind the smell of the meat and assortments coming both from the shop and the garbage bin located just at the corner where I sat. I needed to process my thoughts.

Now that the adrenaline rush was gone I felt numb, weak and drained in every sense of the word. The voice in my head shouted at me that I overreacted, however I know I didn't. Today was the end of the line for me. I've harbored so much hurt for so long that it felt right to explode and to leave that environment. I gained pleasure from imagining the distraught look on my mother's face when she wakes up only to find me gone.

I sighed. All my life I felt alone because of my Faith. It's not like there weren't any other people like me, there was, but they moved around loosely. Loosely in the sense that at home they were the perfect church kids to their parents but at school they quickly switched sides. They served two masters while I was trying hard not to disappoint my own mother. And to be honest I never understood the religion as much as my mother did so it felt like she was forcing it down my throat.

Each game I played without her showing up was just an extra reminder of what had been when I was little. A reminder of how my father and her sat front row to all the games I'd played before he left us one night. It all forced me and I finally snapped. Even my so-called friends from the team talked about me behind my back most times.

It all became so hard in a miniscule way, like those little negative things joined to form a big bomb that went off just a few hours ago. I was hungry, alone, cold, scared and lost. It was easy to blame all my problems on God, everyone did.

He claimed to have control over everything and to love us a lot yet he sits silently, watching bad things happen all the time. Letting go of him felt like a chain had been lifted off me. I was free to do whatever I pleased from here on without getting worried of the consequences that would follow my actions or feeling any guilt weigh down my chest. After all, I'm still a teenager, soon to be eighteen in a few months and I've never done anything wild like some of the people I knew.

There's an endless list of possibilities and a vast world to explore. My subconsciousness brought back the bad feeling but I pushed it aside. New life, new journey, new principles.

Due to my distraction I didn't realize one of the men from the shop had come to check on me. One look at my red puffy eyes and tired state would certainly give it away that I didn't have a place to stay. He might think I'm homeless. He kind of just stared at me with a look that pierced into my soul and left me feeling exposed, as if he knew everything I was thinking. It occurred to me that I shouldn't trust anybody, they say stranger danger for a reason.

"I'm not going to kill you," he said. Then he said the strangest thing, "Peace be with you."

"Huh?"

The man smiled then pointed at the sign above me. "That's the name of the shop."

"Oh. Okay." I shifted closer to the edge of the wall.

"What are you doing here by this time? Isn't your mother waiting for you to come home?"

I shrugged, not wanting to give out any details.

"You should come inside, we have left over food in our fridge and some lemonade in case you're hungry."-

"I don't–

He gave me a pointed look which left no room for protests. "Follow me," and I did.

I ate the pasta he offered, it had a funky taste to it since it was left in the meat fridge but food is still food. As I ate nervously, looking at every detail in my new surroundings the man took the time to speak with his coworkers. He's probably telling them to be welcoming towards me as he may not have the right to let me in. After that he led me to a bathroom to clean my face.

"When you're done come find me at the counter upfront so we can talk. Good?" I nodded and he turned away.

It's a really small bathroom consisting of a toilet, a shower, the sink and the mirror in front of it. I washed my face quickly with the soap I found and rinsed my arms and feet just in case I smelled bad. How lucky I am to have sat at the right place, this must be a sign that I should've left home a long time ago.

I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror for a long time, specifically my neck. It felt exposed. "It's worth it," I told myself but for how long will I keep on saying it. The voice in my head kept pushing me to end my torture. No one would miss me and conveniently there was a little pocket knife on the sink. I stared hard trying to overcome those thoughts. What if I ended it? It's that simple. 

So I picked it up. It felt heavy against my palm. Just end it. It's that simple.

"Hey."

I jumped back in fright, the pocket knife fell to the ground as I faced the intruder. It was one of the employees.

"There's what I was looking for," he stepped beside me to pick up the little pocket knife that fell. "I've got to stop leaving my stuff around carelessly. Are you good?"

"Uhh...Yeah, I mean yes," I shook my head. "I'm good."

"Thank God for that. The big man has such a kind heart to help you out. I don't know what you're going through but It'll be alright. God will make a way." He patted my back and strutted away happily with the knife in hand.

God will make a way. 

Those four words stuck with me. I finally realized the gravity of what I almost did. If he didn't show up I don't know what I would've done.