Cravings (girlxgirl)

In the Rain

                I felt my heart racing, I couldn’t think and I swore time stopped. I was just looking down at her, hoping she’s say anything but no. I couldn’t take it if she told me no. I risked everything saying this. I didn’t want to go back to who I was. I suddenly felt sick thinking of all the women I’d screwed without thinking of anything other than lust. How many names had I forgotten? How many drinks had I bought for women I didn’t even talk to? How many times had I made jokes to Jan about ‘the latest woman’?

                She was just standing there, biting her lip in that way she does, not even looking at me. I had no idea what was going through her mind. I couldn’t tell if she was happy or trying to find a way to let me down easily. I can’t say how long I stood there, waiting in that timeless, motionless, silent world, just waiting to hear anything.

                Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I took a step back and closed the umbrella, refusing to look at her in case she could tell I had tears stinging in the back of my eyes. Hell, who was I kidding? They were starting to slip out. I opened the door to the backseat and put the umbrella inside before turning around and looking up at the sky, which proceeded to drop rain on my upturned face. I hoped that if she looked at me, she’d see rain and not tears falling from my cheeks.

                I put myself out there just to get crushed. How many times could I do this before I finally quit for good?

                My thoughts drifted back to the ring I had in my pocket that day I went to see Carrie. That day I went to tell her how I wanted to stay with her forever, that my life was better with her in it than with her out of it. That day I walked in on her between someone else’s thighs.

                I didn’t even know where that ring was anymore. I couldn’t remember where I’d thrown it.

                “Dev?” Sara’s voice was quiet.

                “Yeah?” I forced myself to keep my voice soft, trying not to be angry at her. She always said this was a friend thing, I shouldn’t have expected more than that. It’s not her fault she didn’t feel the same. I didn’t look at her though. I didn’t want to.

                “Can you at least look at your girlfriend when she talks to you?” I could hear the smile in her voice when she said it.

                I finally took a breath and looked down at her. She brought her hand up to my cheek and rubbed her thumb beneath an eye, catching what I think was a tear but that I hoped she thought was a raindrop. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried, and it’d been even longer since I’d done so in front of someone.

                “Do you think I would’ve asked for dinner first if I didn’t want more than sex with you? I didn’t think you’d be like that though…I thought it’d be a quick dinner and you trying to get into my pants all night. You were sweet though. You were different from the person you show off to the world, and I like the real you. The one with the brother. I think that you’re like your mom.” Her hand trailed down to my chest and rested over my heart, which was now felt like it was trying to break free from my chest. “A romantic.”

                We kissed in the rain.

                I don’t think I’d ever been kissed in the rain.

                I wondered if there was going to be a director yelling ‘Cut!’ any second now, but it didn’t happen. Instead, I got to kiss her in the downpour for minutes, holding her tightly against me.