Cravings (girlxgirl)

I Can't Love You

                I didn’t move for a while. I just stayed there, hovering over her and looking down at those green eyes. She looked terrified. Was it me who scared her, or the situation? I didn’t want it to be me.

                I finally sat down a little bit away from her and looked up at the sky.

                Shit.

                Wasn’t I thinking about how this would complicate things today?

                Finding out what to say next was a lot harder than covering my ass earlier. This was torture.

                “Dev, I don’t expect you to say it back or anything, I just…look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it. Let’s just forget about it. No big deal.” She had sat up too and was looking down at her hands which were in her lap.

                Did I want to forget it?

                I mean, I didn’t want to say it back. I didn’t believe in love and I wasn’t going to lie to her. But I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to ignore it. I didn’t want her to regret telling me. I didn’t want to leave her. I didn’t want anything to change. But…maybe I could get used to her saying that…I mean, plenty of people said it to other people. I don’t have to say it back to stay with her.

                “Sara…” What did I say now?

                “It’s nothing Dev, really.” She looked up to me and gave a weak, fake smile. I hated that smile.

                “It is. I don’t want you to hold that back because you don’t think I won’t like hearing it. I don’t want you to hold back around me. I care about you, Sara. More than I’ve cared about anyone in a long time.”

                “But you don’t love me.” She whispered. I knew she wasn’t asking me to love her, she was just stating the fact.

                “That’s not about you, that’s about me. I don’t believe in love. That doesn’t mean I want you to stop saying it, I don’t want things to be…different between us. I care about you, is that enough? If it isn’t I understand. You deserve someone who can give you everything you want, and I don’t want to stop you from getting that.” I wanted to touch her, to hold her hand or something, but I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to. I let her have her space instead.

                “You’re what I want.” Sara whispered.

                That’s when I knew what I should do. She didn’t need space. I was stupid to think she would rather have space in this moment than have me near her.

                I brushed her hair behind her hair slowly, not saying anything, just letting my eyes wander along her face. Her eyes to her nose to her cheeks and then resting on her lips. I let my thumb trail along her bottom lip and she shivered slightly at the touch.

                “Say it again?” I asked, my voice just above a whisper. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to hear it again. I didn’t want her to be afraid to say it or to avoid saying it or anything, but that wasn’t all. I wanted to hear it. I liked the idea of her feeling this for me, even if it wasn’t real.

                “Why?” She didn’t pull away or even look away, but I could tell she was nervous. It brought me back to the first night we met. Her freaking out while I held all the confidence I had. This was different, I was freaking out a bit and trying to catch some confidence before it slipped through my fingers. But she reminded me of that day. Her cheeks were a crimson red and I could feel just how nervous she was.