On The Run

Twenty Eight

While I was screaming, my body remained completely still. I was tense but still, and I stared right into my attackers eyes.

In that moment I saw happiness turn to anger, then fear, then pure sadness. I wanted him to feel guilty for everything he had done to me. What my body experienced was all because of him. Before anyone could come and witness my attacker first hand, he gave me one last glance. I couldn't tell if it was anger or hope or what it was, but I knew I was missing a huge part of the story.

He slipped out the door and flips his hood up to remain hidden.

Less than a minute later nurses pile into my room, looking for the cause of my screaming. But I couldn't form a coherent sentence to tell them what had just happened.

"I... It was... I don't know... But he..." I kept rambling until one nurse stepped forward and put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me.

"Dear, it was just a bad dream, it's ok. It's a sign that your memory will start to come back soon." She informed me, but I knew it wasn't a dream.

"No, you don't understand! He's back and he wants to hurt me! I need you to help me!" My voice kept getting faster and more high pitch. She just shook her head and decided to inject my IV with something. After a few seconds my vision started to go fuzzy and I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. After struggling to hold my consciousness for a little while longer, I succumbed and allowed myself to drift off to a sleep.

I'm waking up slowly, my eye lids feel heavy, but I hear voices again.
"Does this mean she remembers the kidnapper?" Someone asked, sounded like the good cop.

"It's a possibility, however she seems to have a difficulty with distinguishing between reality and memories." The doctor said.

Groggily, I try to answer:
"Memories my ass, I saw him, check the damn security videos if you think I'm mental." I get out before fully opening my eyes.

The room was dim and I had a hard time focusing on the faces to distinguish who was in my room.

"If she said something happened, something fucking happened. And I hope I wouldn't have to bring my father into the blatant neglect and disrespect this hospital has on traumatized patients?"  That would be my brother. Don't even need to see his face. It's scary though, he seems to have picked up on some of dads techniques on intimidation.

I even got goosebumps.

"No, sir, certainly not. We have the tools necessary to... Distinguish what actually happened..." Wow this nurse is a bitch. She has no idea what I have gone through, hell, I don't even know everything I have gone through. All I know is that man that was in my room had something to do with the missing pieces that happened to me in those months that I have been missing.

The thing I don't understand was the look I his eyes when I screamed. You would think the asshole would have some sort of leverage over me. But he just looked sad. That's the part that makes me uneasy is he was looking at me with pity... As though he felt bad.

Either way, I watched as the nurse attempt to roll her eyes in secret. I caught her and narrowed my own.

"You're gonna feel real stupid when you find out the truth." I state matter of
Factly.

But a half hour later they came back with news that I was in fact dreaming. But I knew they were wrong. As a matter of fact I seem to have remembered something...

A shot... A gun. In my hand... A cop, and blood. A lot of blood... Then the kidnapper, he ran with me...

Did I do that? voluntarily, I couldn't have. I didn't commit a murder!

Tears stream down my face in frustration. Why the hell can I remember shit properly?

Nick kicks everyone out of my room and sits on my bed. He wraps his arm around me and puts his head on my shoulder.

"I know it's annoying... But everything is going to be ok. You're going to get better, and I'm going to take you to the new place. We can forget any of this happened." He always knows what to say when I'm in tears. Soon enough I'm back to my old self.

"Fine but I call the bigger room." I state in a threatening tone.

"Nice try, already moved in remember? You have a Harry Potter cupboard."

Damn him. I knew he was joking but I really wanted the bigger room.

Even though he could briefly distract me from my intense reality, I soon began to feel the guilt creep back under my skin... I was crawling with goosebumps. Nick seemed to have noticed and moved me from my bed to his lap, like a child, and turned my head so I was facing him.

"Talk to me. I still believe you, and I will believe anything you tell me. Somethings up, I can tell. What's wrong?" His voice was comforting, but assertive. He wasn't going to allow me to drop it, even though I wanted to, badly.

"Was there an incident... A- a murder... Or something- like, in a little town?" I had a hard time getting the question out.

"Um, be a little more specific, Iz, there's a ton of murders on the news lately." He answered.

"I mean, a cop... And a robbery... And blood... So much blood." I was having a hard time looking at him. My eyes kept diverting, looking at anything but his eyes.

"Yeah." He looked at me, with understanding and question.

"It was me." I didn't realize I was speaking the words, they just spilled out of my mouth.

His eyes narrowed.
"He made you do it?" It was a question... But I didn't answer. I knew he knew. He knew that I wasn't forced, but that I don't remember enough to explain. So he took my chin, and made me look directly into his eyes.

"He made you do it." It wasn't a question. It was a demand.

"He made me do it." I say so quietly I can barely hear myself.

"And no one needs to know unless they ask you." He adds. I know he's trying to protect me, but the guilt didn't subside like I thought it would. It grew worse as I realized this secrete will have to be carried with me to my grave.

"No one needs to know." I reply, as a tear runs down my cheek. He brings a knuckle up to catch the stray tear that illustrated my weakness, and I knew he was telling me it was the last tear I was allowed to shed for the cop I killed. The murder I committed didn't happen once this tear was wiped from my cheek.

"What did he do to you? What did he do to my baby sister?" He brought me into a hug. I was on his lap with my arms wrapped around his neck, his hand cupping my head over his shoulder. I didn't cry, I just sat there numb.

The kidnapper walked into my room today, and I didn't stop him. I screamed like a little girl. But I'm not a little girl, I'm a broken, screwed up, murderer and liar. I don't deserve to have such a great brother. One who loves me so much he could forgive me for killing a man I didn't even know. Maybe a husband... A father.

Eventually my brother had to leave, as visitation hours were over. He turns off the lights.

"Get some sleep Iz. I'll see you tomorrow." He gives me a small smile before turning and leaving, closing the door behind him.

I exhale a breath I didn't realize I was holding. My brother now has to carry the same burden of the murder, and he didn't even do it. I brought him into a world of suffering and he still loves me.

The kidnappers eyes burden my thoughts... Captivating me. There is something there, not hate, or anger... But I'm ashamed to say, lust. I am infatuated with the man who kidnapped me and turned me into a killer.

I am shaking in disgust at myself, the fact that I can admit that despite every foul memory I can recall... And I still admit it.

But the one thing that scares me the most is the fact that he is still around here. And he still wants me, why else would he have come back? Whatever he needed me for, he's not through with. And I know the only way that I can avenge the innocent man's life... The life that I took... Is to willingly go to the kidnapper. The man I called Ty... And kill him.

I fall asleep as a question taunts my dreams:

What else did I do for this man?