Dear Jane

March 20

Dear Jane,

      it's the first day of spring, and i dread it with the emotion i have left in me.

     spring was your favorite season. your love for the sun, animals, and wakening nature, it was part of who you were.

     i dread it coming because it takes me farther away from you, from the last time i saw you or heard your voice.

     i sat at the old railroad track hidden from the city, near the park i often saw you at. you asked to talk to me at one of those park benches.

      i saw you walking through the trees to the spot i last saw you. i followed you, uncertain why you wanted to talk to me and where you were going.

      the trees rustled in the wind, making more rusted colored leaves fall around us.

       those bright colors aren't what caught my attention though, it was your chocolate colored hair tousled with the wind. your bright eyes were pained, the smile i craved not in sight.

      you hadn't smiled in weeks.

      small drops streamed down your face, turning into a continuous flow.

      your voice cracked when you said your last words to me, before you left, and i never saw you again.

      "Don't follow me when I leave. This is my goodbye."

       i blinked, unaware what you meant.

      "Goodbye?" was all i could manage. my voice was barely above a whisper, a question repeated aloud to myself mostly. i didn't understand jane. i still didn't understand when the tears turned into a sobbing, and you told me you were sorry a few octaves too high. a beautiful dead leaf floated down, getting caught in your hair.

        i didn't understand what you meant as i watched you turn and leave. the words repeated in my mind, refusing to make sense of what you really meant. deep down I knew. i knew you were like that leaf, but I didn't allow myself to comprehend it.

        i understand now jane. i understand why you didn't want me to follow you, and i listened to your command as my stupid adoration got in the way. i think you knew that would happened jane.

      i should've followed you, i should've locked you in an embrace while you choked on your tears, and promised you i'd always be there at your side.

       i didn't though, and i'm sure you know why.

       i don't make promises anymore after i broke the one i made you.

-P