Accidentally Married

Chapter Six

Four days later I received my first rejection letter. Tom was out, shooting an advert for some designer brand or other, so I was alone when I read it.

It was a form letter so there was nothing personal in the rejection, no insult to my writing or me, except that they didn't want me.

I tried not to take it personally but I felt awful, so I did the only thing that made me feel better recently, I went for a run.

When I got home I forewent my usual yoga cool down and did press ups and sit ups.

I couldn't say I felt better by the end but I did feel more in control.

The next few weeks were all about maintaining control. I was careful about what I ate, I exercised daily, pushing myself as hard as I could. I was often tired and it wasn't unusual for me to sleep for almost nine hours a day, which I put down to the extra running and exercise.

I liked sleeping, actually, because it was the only time when I wasn't hungry and actively resisting the tempting food around me. It was the only time of day that I could relax, even if I did have to be unconscious for it.

I was spending most of my nights in Tom's bed now, but my clothes and personal effects remained in my room, across the hall. Oddly though, sex with Tom was becoming less and less enjoyable. It's not that he was getting worse, it was more that I was feeling self-conscious and unable to relax enough to let myself go.

I was losing weight and although it was nothing too drastic yet, I worried that Tom would notice. I was able to hide it by buying some of those silicone chicken fillets from Amazon to pad by bra and when that wasn't enough, I returned to the lingerie shop and bought the same sets he had purchased for me, but in a smaller size. Since I was still losing weight, I also bought another size down from that.

I was quite pleased with my efforts to lose weight, except that I still seemed to be quite bulky. My arms, while they were slimming down slightly, were becoming very muscular, which wasn't the look I was going for.

Mostly I avoided looking at myself because... well because this whole weight loss thing was fucked up, but I didn't know how to stop it. I was happy being larger, and it's not like I was the size of a house or anything. All I wanted was to be left alone though, and right now, being thin seemed the best way to achieve that.

I tried not to look at the gossip sites daily but I couldn't help but see some of what they were saying.

A few noticed the weight loss and commented positively. Others just found new reasons to hate me. The positive articles pleased me though; I felt as if I was becoming worthy of Tom and their approval only backed that up.

When I allowed myself, I realised how fucked up it was to base my worthiness on my weight, because obviously what was in my head and heart were far more important, but as my first rejection letter found a companion, then another, and another, I started to doubt that what was in my head was worthy of Tom.

I noticed him watching me sometimes and I knew he must have noticed my weight loss, but he never said anything. Sometimes when we went out he would ask if I wanted dessert and occasionally try to convince me, but that was the only thing he said. Sometimes he had that look in his eyes though, which I took to mean 'I'm on to you'.

Did he know I was seriously dieting?

I did my best to hide my neurosis from him. I still baked for example, but each day I would take a muffin or slice of cake, and after wrapping it in kitchen towel, throw it away. Every now and then I ate something sweet in front of him, to allay any fears he might have, but I always worked out harder the next day to make up for it.