Seeking Asylum

September 17, 1814

I did not fight. I did not utter a single word. I simply grabbed my luggage and stepped into the car. My mother and father stood on the front steps to our estate. She tried to discreetly wipe a tear from her eye. I wasn't happy to be forced from my home, of course, but my family's attitude had changed towards me and I didn't want to stay where I didn't feel at home.

My father watched the car leave stoically. My two brothers had a saddened and guilty look on their faces. This was rightfully so. I made a promise to myself that if I come back, I will reveal just how much of a part they played in all of this.

Albert, my father's driver, drove me to the docks where I catch a ship to America. An orderly is supposed to meet me at a port and drive me to the Amhearst Asylum for the Insane in New York. I had always dreamed of traveling, but not like this.

As I took a seat in the dining cabin, I felt the urge rising. A warm wave started in my chest and worked it's way down my abdomen. I tucked a hand under my leg to keep it still. The other hand trembled as I dipped a spoon into my soup. The warm sensation grew hotter. I can't bear it any longer; I excuse myself to my quarters for the rest of the night.

•

As the passengers crowded around the exit, I spotted a tall man in a white uniform on the docks. There's no doubt in my mind that he's waiting for me. I clumsily step onto the landing and the man takes my luggage from me. I didn't want to guess how he knew me.

"My name is George. I'm here to take you to Amhearst." He quickly guided me to a buggy and loaded my things into the back. "I understand how hard this must be for you. If there's anything you need during your stay, don't hesitate to come to me. I'll warn you that some of the other staff members aren't as lenient as I am."

"Thank you," I said quietly, "George."

•

"This will be your room. I'm required to take your luggage and deem what is appropriate for you to keep. Don't worry, we label everything and you'll get it back when you leave."

"So, I will be leaving? Do you know when?"

"It all depends on you," George says ominously.

"I don't understand."

"Your good behavior and reformation will get you out sooner. There are no set dates," his face saddens.

"I'll try to do my best," I sigh.

"Just so that you're aware, the entire staff has been notified of the reason for admission that your father submitted," he clasped his hand uncomfortably.

"I suppose that's a good thing," I take a seat on the bed and take note of how tough the mattress is.

"I'll leave you to settle in. There's a standard issue gown in the dresser for you to change into. Dinner will be served in a little under an hour. I'll see you later, Caroline." He leaves with my luggage and slowly closes the door.

I pull the gown out of the dresser and lay it on the bed. I remove the clothing I can here in and put them in the same dresser. Surprisingly, there is a full length mirror in my room. I can't help but take in the sight of my body. My pale white skin contrasts beautifully in the dark room. The sun pouring in from the window hits my blonde hair just perfectly to make it shine like it was gold. A cool draft touches my body and sends chills down my spine.

It is only in this vulnerable position that I realize just how restricting and deprived of freedom clothes can be. I sit on he bed, slowly, still watching myself in the mirror. I sit in different positions, trying to make myself look more beautiful than I feel at this moment. The warm sensation starts in my chest again and moves downwards. I ever so slowly part my legs.

The door opens, "Dinn-oh, I'm sorry." The door closes. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize you were still getting dressed. I just wanted to let you know that it's dinner time," a woman's voice calls from the other side of the door.

"Oh, it's alright. I'll be there in a few minutes." I scramble to put on the white cotton gown that is provided to all the patients, along with the matching white slippers. Neither was terribly comfortable or nice-looking, but I didn't mind.

I left my room and followed the signs to the cafeteria. Another surprise awaited me: the food smelled wonderful. So far, this place has been just fine. I grabbed a tray of food and sat at an open table. No one joined me. I watched some of the women at the other tables.

I began to get a feeling that I was the only normal one here. One table was just yelling things at one another. A woman at a different table was flinging food at the wall. I finished my dinner alone. The good feeling I had when I walked here was beginning to fade.