What If

Chapter 33

I was in the most horrific and life-depleting emotional state over the next few days. I couldn't get over that I had ceased Julian's opportunity to live. I couldn't live with myself. I felt much too much guilt. I had seen John on two separate occasions after he told me he had broken it off with Cyn, but he refused to resume his relationship with her, no matter how much I pleaded and begged.

I had basically given up. There was nothing I could do to fix this awful, awful mess. It didn't really matter to try and keep the timeline as steady as possible anymore. It was fucked up now anyway.

My mother in this time grew worried over me. Every morning I would sit down at the kitchen table and stare at my food, barely eat any of it, not saying a word, and not making any sort of eye contact. I felt incredibly sick and I'm sure I looked it too. My mother was so worried that she told me to take a few days off from school and go lay down, which I was more than happy to oblige to.

I didn't leave my comfortable bed except to get water and go to the bathroom for nearly three full days. Afterwards, my mother had finally grown frustrated with my dull and depressing attitude and ordered me to go out and take a walk.

I dragged myself out of bed and slipped on something comfortable that would keep me warm in the continuously dropping temperatures outside. I didn't bother with how I looked, not even glancing in the mirror. I didn't care. I felt too terrible to give a rat's ass.

The sun, believe it or not, was actually out, giving the world a cheerful aura, which was the exact opposite of how I felt. It was still chilly and even my coat didn't protect me from the cold like I wished it would. I would've given anything to be back in my nice, warm bed again. But my mother said I had to be out for at least twenty-five minutes, so I couldn't return home just yet.

"Hey, Colleen!" a voice surprised me, grabbing me by my arm and turning me to face him. John's face fell from overjoyed to complete shock and worry after seeing the wreckage I was in, which must've been overwhelmingly obvious. "Oh my God, are ye alright?"

I glared at him, being in no mood. "No, John," I stated too harshly. "I'm not okay. I feel like shit." I knew I was being unfairly mean to him, but I was just so out of it that I didn't care. I was perfectly happy taking out all of my problems on John. It was partially his fault anyway.

"What's wrong?" he asked, legitimately concerned.

"I just . . ." I didn't know what to say. Honestly, I must've screwed up the future so much that I actually considered just coming clean and saying I was from the future, but I knew that there was too much still that could be saved to do that. Ruining the rest of the future wouldn't bring Julian back. "It's just, I feel horrible about breaking you and Cyn up. I didn't mean to do it and now . . ." I didn't really know what else to say. My excuse was pathetic, but I couldn't make up anything closer to the truth without actually hitting the truth.

John brushed it off with a scoff. "That's why you're upset? Still? Geez, Colleen, it's been a week! I already told you that Cyn and I wouldn't have lasted anyway! And no offense, but what I do with my relationships is none of your business!" His tone completely shifted from happy-go-lucky to agitated and a little insulted. This was the angry John Lennon that I feared.

"Um, it is my business when you ask me out and you already have a girlfriend!" I challenged.

"That's why I got rid of her!"

I held my forehead in frustration, getting a headache from John's thick-headedness. "God, John! You just don't get it!"

"You're right! I don't! Explain it to me!"

"I already did, you piece of shit! I am not explaining it to you again because it'll just go in one ear and out the other! You don't seem to understand that girls don't like being cheated on!"

"I understand that! I just . . ."

"What? Don't care?"

Then we were interrupted by another random voice. "Colleen? John?" I looked passed John and saw Paul standing there staring at us confused and concerned. "What are you two doing?"

John ignored what Paul was saying and just turned his attention back at me. "Oh yeah, and why did you go out with him and not me? You think he's better than me? He's done the same shit I've done!"

"It wasn't a date!" I screamed, ready to rip my brunette locks out at any moment. "For the billionth time!"

John whipped around and strutted up to Paul, extremely angry with balled up fists. "How did you get her to date you, McCartney?" he yelled. "Why is she willing to go out with you, but refuses to go out with me, huh?"

Paul smirked to himself, figuring out what all the fuss was about. "Well, maybe treating her as your side girl had something to do with it," he instigated.

"Paul, stop it!" I commanded, walking over to them as well.

They both ignored me and continued yelling at each other. "Oh, like you haven't done that to women before!" John retorted. "What makes you so special and not me?"

"Because I'm not going to treat Colleen like that!" Paul yelled, folding his arms. "I actually see she's worth more than most girls! She shouldn't ever be the side bird! And I would never do that to her! Unlike you!"

John pulled back his fist and punched Paul hard in the face, sending him to the ground. John jumped on top of him and started beating him into the asphalt. Paul fought back defending himself, wrestling to get John off of him who was refusing to do so.

I screamed and immediately tried to break up the fighting, but I didn't really know how without jumping in and throwing punches myself. "Guys, stop it!" I yelled.

They, of course, didn't hear a word I said and just kept hitting each other. They were able to stand up again, but didn't stop going after each other for a second. People on the streets stopped what they were doing to watch the commotion. I was surprised policemen didn't get involved, but then again, this was a different time.

"Guys!"

I stood in between them and tried to push Paul away, but then Smack! John's fist collided with the side of my face. I started to fall, holding the left side of my head, dizzy and throbbing in pain, but Paul caught me and kept me up, even though my own legs were totally out of the equation.

"Colleen, are you okay?" Paul asked. I hissed at the pain, but didn't say anything further. "John, what the Hell is wrong with you?"

"It's not my fault!" John defended. "She just jumped in the middle! I didn't mean to punch her!"

"You're a maniac, Lennon! Just stay away from her! Come on, Colleen, I'll walk you home." He turned us around, still doing most of the work keeping me up. We started for my home, only a short ways away.

John was too shocked and angry at himself for hurting me. He didn't say anything as he watched us leave, but I could hear him huffing, being worn out and fuming with unyielding rage.