McConnell House

1932 Redux Part 1

“She thinks I’m making a house call. Dumb twat.”

“You are so mean! I hate to hear what you say about me when I’m not around.”

“What I say about you is awful baby-doll. It would turn you red. Dirty dirty things.”

“Oh my God. You're such a devil.”

“Thou shall not use thy Lord’s name in vain.”

“Thou shall not commit adultery!”

“That isn’t it. It’s something like Thou shall not covet a wife or something. So really I’m not the one committing a sin, you are.”

“Shut up Ted! You are such a bad man.”

“You make me bad baby-doll.” Ted couldn’t believe he was using such corny lines, but he really couldn’t believe that they were working. Betty was just how he liked his girls, pretty and dumb.

“Are you sure?” Betty said, trying to block Ted’s groping hands, “I think she knows something is up. I passed by her the other day on the street, and she gave me the angriest look I’ve ever gotten from a person.”

Ted was starting to get bored of Betty’s nagging. That’s what drove him out of his wife Agatha’s arms to begin with. Maybe it was time to drop Betty for someone more fun.

“Are we going to talk about my wife the whole time I’m here?”

“It’s just I’m worried she’ll find out. I don’t want anyone to know we are doing this until after your divorce. I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m a tramp.”

That was a laugh, Ted thought. Like he would ever leave his wife for this ditz. Didn’t she realize what people would say if he got a divorce? He had a medical practice to think of for Christ sake. He would lose business if his patients thought he was a two timer. These back wood hicks in Calgary just weren’t with the times.

“You have nothing to worry about, baby-doll. My wife doesn’t know a thing. She’s just a cow with a temper. That’s why she refuses to divorce me. She’d off herself if she knew how much I love you. I can’t have that on my conscious.”

“Oh you poor poor man. She doesn’t know how lucky she is to have you. I can wait for you forever, Ted.”

“Call me Doctor.”

Betty stopped resisting Ted, allowing him to kiss her while he tried to take her shirt off at the same time. Just when he was about to get down to do the dirty deed, Ted heard the door unlocking behind him.

Ted turned around to see the door opening, “Damn it, Betty, why didn’t you tell me you gave your key to someone?”

Before Betty could answer, the door opened to reveal an unshaven middle aged balding man sporting a beer belly. Was Betty really cheating on him with this guy? At least it wasn’t his wife.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Ted got ready to confront Betty about her other boyfriend. He didn’t care all that much that she had someone on the side, but this guy? He felt insulted.

“Get out of my way pencil neck.” Oh crap, Ted thought, there could only be one person who had that shrill voice and say such an idiotic insult.

Pencil neck jumped out of the way like he was about to be run over by an angry rhino. Ted couldn’t blame him; he wished it was an angry rhino he now faced.

Standing in the doorway over the fallen Pencil neck was a 5’3” red headed terror named The Berserker, otherwise known as Agatha.

“It’s not what it looks like, honey.” Ted said, with Betty’s bra in one hand, her boob in another.

Agatha’s protruding eyes glared at Ted, before shifting to his hand on Betty’s boob. Ted let go, and quickly put her bra behind his back, hoping that Agatha all of a sudden had the bad case of short term memory.

Agatha didn’t say a word. Instead she reached for her purse.

“I’ll tell you exactly what is going on here. Ms. Summers here called me and said her heart felt like it was fluttering.” Now Ted hoped that Agatha all of a sudden had a bad case of idiocy, “As you may not know, I wouldn’t be able to accurately tell if there was indeed something wrong with her heart if I measured the beats with her top on. That is why she is topless. All professional, I assure you.” Ted was using his best doctor voice.

Agatha opened her purse, her crazy bloodshot eyes not leaving Ted’s for a moment.

“I was only making a house call honey; she came on to me!” Ted said, changing tactics.

“Doctor!” Betty yelled in outrage.

Agatha pulled out a gun from her purse, and shot Betty in the head. Ted stared at Betty’s lifeless corpse next to him, blood pumping from her forehead, soaking the silk sheets under her.

Pencil neck was screaming. He was on his butt, trying to back up, but the wall was in the way. There was a puddle of urine growing underneath him. His Adams apple was bouncing up and down, like a basketball. Ted thought he really did have a pencil neck.

He finally found the door, turned and ran from the room.

“Get help!” Ted yelled after him.

Agatha didn’t notice the fleeing Pencil neck at all. She was staring at Betty’s dead body, breathing heavily like she just ran five miles.

Ted didn’t know if he was in shock, or that he was braver then he thought, but he wasn’t scared at all. Agatha had shot Betty, but she would never shoot him. He had her wrapped around his little finger.

“Now you did it baby-doll. But it’ll be OK. We’ll get through this together.” The moment he was out of the room he was ditching her and going to the cops, “Let’s just think this through.”

“Baby-doll? Is that what you call your little floozy?” Oops. Agatha hated to be called baby-doll. Ted had stopped calling her that after the first time she'd given him a black eye for calling her that.

"What? I’m shocked you would think that. Surely, after all these years, you know me better then that. Just give me the gun,” so I can shoot you with it, “and we'll get out of here. Go some place quiet.” Agatha had lowered the gun, it was working. Just a little more Ted thought, “It's just you and me; always baby-doll.”

Furious, Agatha pointed her gun at his head.

“Oh shi-”

BANG!