crash - muke / cake

fair

hearts don't break around here - ed sheeran

i went to europe do u know how fuckin windy it is there??? like damn it was cold too (side note: i sound like a spoiled bitch but i paid for the trip by myself so) also finals are coming adiOs and i hooked up w my ex last week??? i was very stoned and he was not soooo oops

june, 15 years old (one year ago)

"Life isn't fair." The problem with this notion is that so many people don't sit down and think about what they're actually saying. If life isn't fair, and this rule applies to everyone, life is inherently fair because it is unfair to everyone. The more accurate way of describing life is simply, "life hurts." Because it does. And so the cycle of hurting continues until you die or whatever.

In my unusual case, sometimes life can be helpful. So when Michael complains to me about life not being fair, I want to remind him that if life were not fair, I would be dead and justice would be lost a and my parents would be millionaires and that is not fair. I suppose I should explain why, exactly, my parents would inherit millions if I die, but life is built on secrets and sometimes it's best to reveal certain secrets at certain times.

Circumstance is unfair but getting a grade below a 90 because of not studying is not. Balance is a virtue, and Michael is annoying. Yes, I feel terrible about rolling my eyes at his unnecessary woe, but it only brings light to the fact that, well, I don't like Michael as I thought I do.

"Michael, if you want to keep your stupid average a one-oh-three, you have to study instead of playing Undertale all night." He sighs because I'm right and he can't argue.

"I know." He doesn't talk after that, just looks at me like he either wants to make out with me or storm off because he has to be right. I'd rather he left. He's sitting on my bed whilst scrolling through his phone so I ask him to help me with my homework because he's smarter than me and I can't bring myself to try.

This kind of fill-the-emptiness-of-the-day thing continues until one in the morning, when we're sure my mother is asleep. Michael is staring a little before he tells me he brought weed to my house. So we smoked it in his little blue bowl with the cool breeze blowing through my window.

And all of a sudden, he's touching my shoulder and I smile while i fill the bowl. "Hey," I whisper quietly. He says it back and I light the weed and inhale. I turn to him with the smoke in my mouth still and drag my thumb along his bottom lip so his mouth is ajar. I'm leaning in and then slowly letting the smoke travel from my mouth to his. He blows it back out at me and kind of shoves his tongue down my throat and I almost gag. It's all tragically gross and I genuinely had no idea that he was a bad kisser until this moment. 505 is playing in the background so I focus on that rather than the gross feeling of his tongue moving without rhythm around my mouth. I pull away after less than a minute and try not to gag again. It almost pains me to think I actually might like this boy, and I suddenly come to the realization that I've never gotten any type of butterflies with him and quite literally dread hanging out with him. I need a fucking xanny.