crash - muke / cake

after dark

no offense but trippie redd is the love of my life

song of the chap: how you feel - trippie redd

june, 15 years old (one year ago)

School is hell when it comes to homework and responsibility on top of constantly forgetting things because of the xanax. After a line or two I decide there is no point in studying for finals so I have a nap-not-nap on my bed for an hour. I find myself wishing I had a best friend. Everything will be fine and dandy after my friends and I go to this year's summer concert that I don't really want to go to, but it's my friend Calum's birthday party type thing so I have to. I assume that it won't be that fun because only our friend Dan's parties are fun because he knows a bunch of hot guys that are fun to hookup with.

Calum is a bit of a mystery. Best friends since infancy with our friend Mason because they have been neighbors their whole lives, the prettiest boy I've ever seen probably, and selectively quiet. Mason could be quite mean to him, but that could just be their friendship dynamic and also not my business regardless. I don't know him very well but I would definitely like to. When I look at him, I forget about Michael.

I decide to pop 3 xans before I get to Calum's house for safety purposes. Since I have yet to get my license, my mom drives Ashton and me to Calum's. It would take too much effort for me to comprehend that I am nervous to be in Calum's house. Before I could think about it, Calum and Mason answered the door. "Hey guys! We're all in my room!" I looked at Calum with a dopey smile, completely disregarding Mason.

Calum's room is organized and all black and white with tumblr-esque aesthetics; cacti and a marble style tapestry and a black and white bedspread. It's so him: all captivating and collected. Our friends are all inside laughing about something I can't bring myself to care about, the xanax numbing my emotions just the way I need it to.

By the time we get to the concert venue, I can't remember the limo ride or taking pictures with Calum, something I'm glad I finally did. The concert is lovely and I find myself staring at Calum's toned arms while he dances and sings along to several songs. We're all exhausted by the time it ends, my fatigue being caused mostly by the amount of drugs still swimming around in my bloodstream.

The exhaustion doesn't last long, as Calum suggests night swimming in his pool at midnight. My mind drifts to wondering just how Calum looks all wet and shirtless while I try to accept that Calum probably isn't entertaining the same ideas of me that I am of him. I'm suddenly hyperaware that my body is absolutely disgusting and I worry that he'll see and notice all my scars and things, so I keep my socks on as long as possible to avoid anyone seeing my foot and being repulsed. Somehow I decide it isn't the best idea to pop any pills before going in the pool, regardless of how much I want to. I want to become like driftwood: carefree and accepted as I float through life on the riverbed that could be my life. If only it could be that simple.

Butterflies and stomach drops override my senses as I overthink what my friends will think of my appearance. I know that it's silly, thinking that my friends will judge me because of things I can't control, but I can't help it as the high wears off and I become victim to my emotions all over again.

I practically run into the pool while trying to conceal my feet from any wandering eyes, almost tripping when I see Calum already in the pool; tanned skin and dark hair soaked. He shakes his head in a solid swipe, water droplets flinging off the surface of his hair like lemmings. The way he moves entrances me and I almost forget about my feet. I descend into the water via the steps, both careful and swift. I notice my own shivering before anyone else can, and it's not because of a chill; it's fear. Slowly, I walk through the water to where my friends have gathered in between the shallow and deep end. Suddenly, Mason throws a beach ball into the pool, and Calum moves fluidly to catch it. He's not quick enough, though, so it just bounces off his right hand before he can grab it. I catch myself grinning like a damned fool while he goes after it, snatching the ball like a trophy.