Five times

1

I had been in town for about two weeks, two full weeks, trying to work things through with my husband. Although, I really didn't know why. He was a cheating bastard who dragged some kid into our marriage. Meredith wasn't that old, he shouldn't have involved her, he shouldn't have started a relationship with her.

Just like how I shouldn't have slept with Mark.

My mind was a jumbled mess as I thought about everything that seemed to be going wrong in my life at the moment. It felt as though nothing would be okay again.

"Meredith Grey is on your service today, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, is that okay?" The demanding and rather loud voice of Miranda Bailey broke me out of my thoughts.

"Yes, of course it is, send her my way when you see her" I mumble absently, before turning to pick up some charts from the nurses. I had a surgery this afternoon with a little baby, barely a week old, and I needed it to go well.

-

"Grey, present the case" I said as we stood in the NICU next to an incubator that held Oliver Jameson, the tiny little baby that we would be operating on.

"Oliver Jameson, one week old, a preemie baby born at twenty-five weeks into pregnancy weighing one pound, three ounces and thirteen inches long. He's been struggling lately with his heart not pumping enough blood due to a valve that isn't attached properly. Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd will operate on Oliver to re-attach the valve properly and hopefully restore all blood flow" Meredith explained to the set of ailing parents, who looked worried as all hell, and rightly so.

Oliver was the size of my hand easily, his skin was transparent and his little eyes were covered with gauze because of the machines he had keeping him alive. He was so fragile, so tiny, and I wanted to save his life.

"He's been doing exceptionally well, Mr. and Mrs. Jameson, we have no reason to believe anything else is a problem besides his heart. And while he is doing well, we'd also like to make sure you know the risks to this surgery because preemie heart operations always come with risks and tend to have problems not anticipated" I explained "I will do my very best, but I will close and stop the operation if I can't do anything to fix his heart or if he starts to show signs of distress"

"If you stop he'll die" his Mom was crying, she'd been crying since she had him and my heart went out to her. "I don't want you to stop; I'd rather he die in surgery where you could fix him then out here"

I nod "I promise you I will do everything I can to save his life" with that, we started off to surgery.

By the time we reached the scrub room, I was feeling anxious. He was a baby, and his heart was the size of my thumb nail, if that. I wanted this to be done right.

"If you don't mind me saying, Dr. Montgomery, you're the most qualified person for this case. If anyone can do this, it's you" Meredith spoke to me for the first time all day, sensing my anxiety I assume. We'd gotten on civil terms just recently and I figured this was a part of that.

"Thanks" I say, as I dry my hands and head out to the operating room with Meredith close behind me.

The surgery itself was going smooth, his blood pressure and his heart rate was good, he was breathing fine, he was a real trooper. But when I got to his heart and saw just how detached the valve was, I was wary. It was so small, I didn't know if the stitches would even hold.

Taking a large breath, I go to put in the first tiny stitch. I had barely even touched the valve, when it detached completely and he started to bottom out. Blood was everywhere, I couldn't see a thing, his pressure was dropping as was his heart rate and his breathing became less and less until he was no longer breathing. There was nothing I could do.

"Dammit!" I swore "dammit!" I took off my mask defeatedly, looking down at the tiny little boy who's life was no more. "Time of death, 9:52 am" I called it, before detaching him from all the tubes and wires gently. Then, I sewed his little chest up neatly so his parents could see him. Wrapping his cold little body up in a blanket, I laid him down on the table were his parents would soon be called in to see him.

After that, I rushed off to the bathroom.

I was usually good at keeping my emotions in check; but today wasn't a good day. I needed something, just one damn thing, and it just didn't work out. I needed that little boy to live, because god knows nothing else had been going right lately.

I sat down on the bathroom floor and leaned against a wall, exhausted and upset. I wasn't crying; I was past the point of tears, I just needed a moment to gather myself and calm down, when she came in.

Meredith sat down next to me and didn't say a word; not for at least five minutes. I didn't know why she was here, why she was sitting with me, not until she spoke.

"I told his parents what happened. I told them that if the best surgeon in the world couldn't help their son, that nobody could, but you gave him his best chance. They were grateful; they wanted to thank you for everything you did for Oliver. You really did try your damnedest, Addison"

I nodded mechanically, so exhausted mentally and emotionally.

"I wish he lived" I said quietly "I wish I could've saved him"

Meredith put her hand on mine, which were clutched together in my lap, and squeezed them reassuringly. It wasn't a big gesture; but it was enough. While slightly odd, it was comforting.

"I know" she said simply, keeping her hand on my own. I sighed, and she moved ever so slightly so that our shoulders were touching. The added contact comforted me; made me feel more calm. Her body heat against my own made me feel better.

"Everything has been going so wrong lately, I just needed something to go right" I don't know why I'm telling her this; it's not as if she cares. But I told her anyway.

"When things are really bad is when you know soon, they'll be really good" she told me "you'll have everything worked out soon, everything will go right"

"But he was just a little baby" I swear, I'm not usually this emotional, but between everything, the baby was the shitty icing on the even shittier cake. My eyes start to tear up and a familiar knot ties up in my threat. But I keep it in, because I will not be crying in front of Meredith Grey.

"I know" she didn't say anything else, but turned to face me. I was positive she could see the tears in my eyes, but I didn't care. She was looking at me like this was the first time she'd ever noticed I was remotely human; like she had this realization moment that I, Satan and ruler of all that was evil, had a heart.

"I'm sorry, I don't usually cry like this, but the baby..." I trailed off, just as she put an arm around me and pulled me into a hug. It was a nice hug, odd at first, but I relaxed into it and sighed at the warmth.

She pulled away all too soon and was looking me right in the eyes again. Something shifted in that moment, though I'd never be able to tell you what, and the air suddenly seemed scarce. Her eyes were focused on me, looking me straight in the eye for the first time that I noticed. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but it was different. It was intimate.

"You" she spoke again, this time with a small, small smile across her face "just have a very big heart, Addison. Don't ever feel like you need to apologize for that"

A/N- this part is longer than the rest of them will be, I just found that this was the best first chapter and it happened to have a long ass plot.

Tell me your opinions in the comments! I'll post the second part tomorrow, each part will be posted this week!

Thanks for reading, vote and comment!!

~Daisy