Five times

5

I hated my own prom.

I was always well liked, sure, I had a cute date and an even cuter dress. My hair was styled to perfection and my nails were neatly manicured. Everything about the prom should have been perfect.

Except for one thing.

My entire childhood, my parents both told me that girls liked boys and boys liked girls; girls who like girls and boys who like boys aren't normal and I shouldn't be friends with those kinds of kids. I went with it; I nodded my head and did as I was told because I didn't know any better. And for the majority of my childhood, I wasn't affected by it.

Until I was.

My prom date, Ricky, had been my long-term boyfriend. We'd been dating for nearly a year when prom rolled around, so naturally we went to prom together. But Ricky had a twin sister, she looked nothing like him but Jesus, did I ever love her.

Josephine had asked me many, many times to break up with Ricky. We'd never done anything together, we never even kissed, but we were both so in love it almost makes me want to cringe looking back. All the shopping trips, the sleepovers, the parties, every single excuse I had ever made to be with Josephine had lead up to that moment; prom. She had asked me, and I had said no. I went to Prom with Ricky, and I was miserable the entire night while Josephine danced and laughed with her date, Cindy.

After that night, Josie and Cindy became an official item and my parents forced me to break up with Ricky so that his 'corrupt and unethical' sister didn't ruin me as well. They had no idea that I was ruined long before then.

I ended up going away to college, meeting Derek and getting married, but I always did wonder what ever happened to Josephine. I hadn't thought about her in a while, longer than usual, but meeting Meredith and falling in love with her made me think of Josephine again; what ever happened to her?

It didn't matter anymore, I didn't feel like need to know as strongly as before; I had Meredith, and the feelings I felt for Meredith were so much stronger, so much more than anything I'd ever felt before.

Meredith was actually walking her way towards me when I realized that I, Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery, am in love with a woman. Said woman being Meredith.

"Addie! I didn't know if you'd make it" she was wearing a black loose fitting dress with a v neck that plunged down towards her waist, with little jewels on the skirt and a thin black belt. It was simple, and it was very Meredith. And she looked beautiful.

My mouth dried up and my heart began to pound out of my chest; I felt like I couldn't breathe or move. My brain was spinning, and I must've been a sight, standing there decked out in prom attire looking like I was having a panic attack. 

I was having a panic attack.

"Addie? Addie are you okay?" Meredith looked at me worriedly, and I turned on my heels and sprinted out of there as fast as I could in the heels I was wearing. I didn't process anything except for my feet hitting the ground, and soon I found myself in the bathroom sitting against the wall with my knees to my chest, trying desperately to calm myself down.

"Addie?" Meredith entered the bathroom and came to my side. Wordlessly, she began rubbing circles on my back soothingly until I managed to catch my breath.

I loved her, and knowing that I loved her, I couldn't look at her the same way. I couldn't look at myself the same way. I fell in love with a woman, I fell in love with the woman my husband cheated on me with.

I fell in love.

"Please leave" I ask Meredith calmly. I just needed her out of there, I couldn't think when she was near me. All I wanted to do was kiss her and it was so wrong, all different types of wrong, and I just couldn't deal with feeling all those feelings of wrong today.

"Addison, you're not okay, I don't want to leave you alone" she was being so nice, so kind, and it made me that much more upset. My life would be so much easier if I could just hate her, that's all I wanted, was to hate her.

"Just leave" I managed to choke out through a sob. I could feel my eyes welling up, and I didn't want her to see me like this, especially over her. She didn't need to know she was the cause of my distress.

Again, she ignored me and pulled me into her arms. I completely collapsed; I was a sobbing mess into her shoulder while she stroked my hair and attempted to calm me down. This scene was so familiar, it reminded me of the day that little baby boy died on my table and she rushed to comfort me. It reminded me of the beginning of falling in love with her.

The beginning of the end.

She looked at me and I looked at her, and there was that infamous eye contact that always seemed to make me weak in the knees. Everything about this moment was all too familiar, and the ache in my chest and longing to touch her, that was also too familiar. And wrong, very, very wrong.

I pulled away like she was on fire; like I'd done many times before. I stood up briskly and swiped my hands swiftly under my eyes. I couldn't do this, I couldn't kiss her. I couldn't be in love with her. None of it was right.

"Addison what's wrong?" She spoke again, and I couldn't handle it. I walked to the door, and was about to leave, when she repeated herself, determined to get an answer out of me.

"I can't look at you" I told her "I can't look at you without thinking of Derek, without thinking of everything I've ever fucked up in my marriage. I can't look at you" I didn't turn to look back at her, and as my heart broke, I walked away, wanting nothing more than to feel her hold me again.

I broke my own heart and damn, did it hurt.