the aftermath of us ✓

letter nineteen

sunday 25 (may)

dear trevor,

people have stopped calling me your girl. no one has called me reed's but i suppose that's better. i'd rather be known for myself and not as someone else's property. not that that's what i feel like. but i'm my own girl too, you know what i mean?

i don't think i even understand it myself.

i saw you outside of the school. you were leaving your car. i purposely slowed my pace so you'd catch up to me. i know, i know. i'm supposed to be over you and i am. for the most part. but it's almost been six months since you initially broke my heart. and if i'm honest, i miss walking to class with you.

so that's what we did.

i held the door for you and i swear i saw you smile. everyone's been avoiding you because it's weird to see you not smiling and being happy. it's a little scary, if i'm honest. it's not nice to see your whole body frowning.

i stepped inside after you and honestly, it took only a moment of consideration before i offered to walk with you to english lit. not really offered. more like pleaded. but maybe it just sounded like an acquaintance asking another for a favour.

you have no idea how much it means to me that you said yes.

it probably didn't weigh on your heart as much as it did mine but that's okay. we asked each other about how we've been and i lied. i told you i'm doing fine and i'm so not but at the same time i kind of am. you lied too, though.

you're not over amelia and i'm not over you either. maybe you're holding onto hope that she'll want you back tomorrow and that she'll apologize for breaking you. i almost felt bad when that thought crossed my mind but that's just what you do to me.

the thought of wanting you back makes me feel guilty. it makes me feel worse when i remember you still have a heart even if it feels like you don't.

it usually ruins a story when you realize the villain had good intentions at one point. but for me, right here? it just gives me a better reason to finally move on.

from,

leslie