the aftermath of us ✓

letter twenty - two

thurs 3 (aug)

dear trevor,

you know, my initial intent with these letters was to show you how much pain you'd caused me after leaving without explanation. to show you how much of a terrible person lurks beneath your skin -- beneath the birth marks, the acne and scars. to show you what you'd missed while you were gone. this wasn't supposed to really be a 'final goodbye' kind of thing. but you're moving to the next town over in two days and i've decided it's best for me to let you go for good.

well, here a few updates on my life since i last saw you (which was quite a while ago):

I. my fish died. i miss him

II. reed and i broke up about a month ago

II (ii). he and i agreed that it wasn't going anywhere. and if i'm honest, he was more of a pillow for me and i got too comfortable. crying about you
to him while we were together was awkward so it would be better if i
cried to him while we're just good friends. no romantic feelings, just friendly smiles.

II (iii). again, if i'm honest? i don't think there were romantic feelings to begin with. that kiss was more to comfort me while i was in distress. nothing more.

II (iv). but i will miss the times when we talked really quietly between the shelves of the library and when we situated ourselves between his favourite section -- mystery / thriller -- for most of the day before a lady came by with a scowl imprinted on her lips and kicked us out. and when he made me try bubble tea for the first time and i freaked out with i got to the tapioca balls. i was never good with new things but he helped me with that. and i'll always be grateful. he helped me stretch my wings a little and i kept going even after we went our separate ways.

III. i had a couple dreams about you but i didn't wake up with tear-stained cheeks which i count as massive progress and my pillow thanks me for it

IV. i took a few poetry classes and they were fun. i now think i've learned enough not to suck at writing poems and just writing in general. i'm proud of myself, trev.

V. connie and i have an unwritten plan that we meet up for coffee every week on thursday at two thirty one in the afternoon. she came up with the time as a joke but we've stuck to it ever since. i've since then learned that she is one of four siblings in a house that is far too small for her family, she likes to curl her bangs even though people don't think it suits her -- i think she's beautiful either way -- and her guilty pleasure is playing with her little brother's legos at two in the morning when no one can watch her and her imagination runs wild. her words, not mine (unfortunately). i've learned a lot more but some things aren't necessary for you to know. i just wanted to tell you; i officially have a new best friend. and it feels great.

VI (i). i discovered what exactly was making me the most unhappy

VI (ii). that being myself

VI (iii). so i went back to dr. alice for a little while and i'm still learning but i've started to accept myself.

END. of this list (for now)

see, when you left me, i used to think i was at fault. i thought it was because i had so many flaws attached to my name -- my appearance, personality, hopes and dreams all seemed wrong. but i've realized that i pinned too much to your name and that's why i ended up hating my own. i used to hate writing my name on the papers at school because i always thought it looked better in your writing. i still do, just a little.

i'll sit inside granny's new car and breathe in that new-car-smell and it'll remind me that some new things are never really that amazing in the beginning. sometimes, they're a little bitter and rubbery and will bounce back when you try to get a closer look but eventually, they'll fit the mould to be exactly what you want. or it'll get a little better, at least.

when we split, that's how i felt. the new beginning for me was terrible and not a good way to start my year. but eventually, i got better. i healed. i found people who put a few bandaids over my heart and one over my soul and ripped them off of me when it was time before you know i wouldn't have been able to do it alone. and that's all because of you.

i wish everything didn't come back to you. every heartache, dreamlike nightmare, letter, therapy session and tear. all that time spent for you. for trying to move on from you. i think you left a bigger mark than your mind can actually comprehend and i think that's why you tried to move on so quickly. maybe you regretted it -- letting me go -- but maybe it just doesn't matter now. i need to remember not to dwell on things that won't make a difference to the current situation i'm in.

trevor, trevor, trevor. you were my best friend, my boyfriend, my first real love and my biggest question mark. i thought i knew you but i guess i didn't and that's okay. i will never know someone inside out, since that's just not possible.

trevor, this is goodbye for good. i loved you. and i don't regret it.

i truly hope you've enjoyed these letters but these aren't really for enjoyment. they're for education. so let me correct myself; i truly hope you've learned something from these letters.

because i sure did.

love from yours truly,

leslie a. porter

FIN.