Memoirs from the Orange Army

Inside the Hangar

Aircraft defects are a common occurrence. They happen every single day. In fact, the variety of defects are endless, from cosmetic wear to mechanical breakdown, and most of the time passengers will not have a clue they are flying on a broken aircraft. Sometimes, there are some defects that seem really silly but they can stop an aircraft from flying until it is fixed. Then there are some strange entries that are logged, so strange I've decided to dedicate this whole chapter to the weird and funny entries I've found in the defect logs at easyJet.

Our fleet of engineers across the network work tirelessly twenty four hours a day, seven days a week to keep our fleet of more than three hundred aircraft in decent working order. Each aircraft is throughly checked each night for any obvious signs of wear and tear but also to check the manuals and logs of entries made each day by the cabin crew and pilots. From the serious issues to the downright ridiculous entries, I decided to compile short list of some of my favourite entries below before we land into whatever destination you and I are flying to right now. Enjoy!

One of the first entries I ever found in an aircraft defects log was talking about the Captains seat. A quick thing I should probably mention is just how luxurious those seats are. They are the holy grail of chairs and the epitome of comfort. Unfortunately in this instance, somebody had logged it into the defects book as it apparently smelled of cat. As someone who doesn't own cats, I had no idea what a cat supposedly smelled like but it seems I have good inkling now.

On another flight, an entry had been made about the rear toilets. It seemed the lavatory bin was too big and it didn't fit well or at least it had fit a little too well because it was too tight. The engineer who thought it was rather funny to reply "Checked. Satisfied. Its better when tighter ;)" which led me to believe it had maybe been a while for him and his urges were getting the better of him.

Another entry was about the ice drawer in the rear galley which is where the bags of ice were stored throughout the day. Upon inspection, the drawer was completely missing prompting us to check the defects log. Apparently the ice drawer had fell out and the engineer had replied "HOW??? AND WITH WHO???" and its not surprising why he was confused considering the ice drawer simply cannot 'fall out' due to the brackets that hold it in place on the runners it sits on. With whom the ice drawer fell out with is a story I guess we'll never find out. If you're reading this and it was you, please get in touch. I'd love to know.

Yet another entry was logged into the defects log about another lavatory incident. It seems many passengers fell victim to 'Bum-nipping crack on the toilet seat' to which the engineer thought it was privy to reply with '#METOO' which arguably could be a sore subject (pardon the pun) but we all roared with laughter at this entry.

One of my most favourite entries into a defects log was about the captain which was odd considering they are a removable object from the aircraft. The entry was 'Captain may have a screw loose' which I can assure you that whilst many of the staff seemingly have a screw loose to want to work with the public in such an intimate environment, our pilots honestly do have their heads screwed on. Anyway, the engineer's reply was simply 'days off to rectify/ nil defect confirmed.' which quite frankly was probably the best response in the height of summer.

Quite often there are entries in the defect log about the aircraft carpet as it always manages to get up under the feet of passengers (pun intended) and its difficult to correct as its very fiddly trying to push it all back into place around the endless row of seats. There was a defect in particular that stood out above the rest saying '19F - carpet coming away' to which the engineer in question replied 'where is it going?'

Sometimes the crew seem to be a little too vague when detailing an issue with the aircraft into the defects log. I'm not sure whether its just stupidity or simply just writing after a very long day (hopefully the latter) but this was another entry; 'forward stowage - aircraft parts U/S'. Now this covers a huge area and I can still imagine the sound of the engineer discovering this entry and slapping and shaking his forehead whilst questioning if he had been in this career for too long. Obviously he had just replied 'please be more specific' and I couldn't fault his professionalism as I wouldn't have put something so bland to this, it just invited sarcasm.

Another one about the floor on another flight (I told you it happened a lot), was this time about the rear galley floor and not the carpet for once. It said 'rear galley floor in front of trolleys - flooring uplifted' which left it wide open for the engineer to greet it with a variety of sarcastic options with which he chose 'I saw. It is very happy!'

Finally this entry was best kept until last. It wasn't so much because of the defect entered into the log but because of the musical number erupting from every single crew member on the aircraft that followed. This defect log entry was regarding a faulty knob in the forward galley where it had apparently fallen off. I don't think the engineer would have ever thought anything of his comment being more than a sarcastic one but he wrote back 'every now and then i fall apart.' which led to myself, the other crew and the pilots singing and dancing to Bonnie Tyler's hit song Total Eclipse Of The Heart much to the amusement of the passengers waiting on the jetbridge.

There are so many other defects I could talk to you about that would bewilder, amaze and humour you but quite frankly I don't think either of us have the time as I think we are nearing our destination wherever that may be. I think when I write my next book, I may just write another chapter with some more defects I've discovered onboard our aircraft but for now I'll leave you with this.

"If it moves but it shouldn't, tape it down. If it doesn't move but it should then use a lubricant."

-Aircraft engineer