Doctor Who: The Evangelion Error (Book One)

Bonus Material: A Brief Introduction to the Doctor

A Brief Introduction to the Doctor
Prepared by Dr. Arnold Blackberg, Senior Analyst, the Asylum

So if you're reading this, congratulations! You've finally made it to a high enough level in the UNIT and/or American military-industrial complex hierarchy that they finally start telling you the real secrets -- or at least some of them. Maybe. (Either that, or we've had another Wikileak and you're just some random Internet neckbeard. If you see this, Julie, no, I haven't forgot about that $20 you owe me. Cough it up already, you cheap [REDACTED].)

Regardless, today's your lucky day. Today is the day you find out about the Doctor.

Who is the Doctor? He's the only reason that I'm still here to write these words today -- and that you're still here to read them. That anyone is still here to read anything at all.

Maybe you think this is a joke, or that I'm being overdramatic. I'm really not. It's a big, dangerous universe out there. Always has been. There are things out there in the dark that could -- if they deigned to notice this little blue world in the middle of the Big Nowhere -- could simply erase us all in a heartbeat.

But you probably already know all this. They usually tell you the scary stuff first. You've probably already started to lose sleep, thinking about all the things out there that could -- with just a thought -- make it so humanity never even existed.

The good news is -- we have a friend.

Here come the bullet points, kiddies:

- The Doctor is a time-and-space-traveling alien. Members of his species are called Time Lords. (Or were -- see [REDACTED]). He looks human, but he isn't. No one knows for sure how old he is, but he's lived for hundreds (if not thousands) of years. Loads of historical figures have recorded encounters with him over the years: Winston Churchill, [REDACTED], [REDACTED], Martin Luther King Jr., Elizabeth I (the so-called "Virgin Queen," heh), Ben Franklin -- and, last by not least, [REDACTED]. I'm serious. It's true. The Vatican has proof.

- He travels in a box. It's called the TARDIS, and it appears to be a British police box (blue, not red) from 1963. Don't let that fool you. It's bigger on the inside, and it can go anywhere and anywhen. (Supposedly, the TARDIS can disguise itself as any object he wants. Evidently, the Doctor just prefers this form.)

- He's a genius. And was appearently even considered such among his own people, who had mental and technological capabilities beyond our wildest imagination.

- His name is just "The Doctor." Really. No one knows what his real name is, or if he even has one. In situations where this might arouse suspicion, he usually goes with something generic, like "John Smith."

- He has companions. The Doctor doesn't like to travel alone. Every now and again, he'll invite some random person he runs into to act as his assistant and traveling companion. If they accept, he'll show them the universe -- past, present and future. If you ever meet one, feel free to resent them for having the chance to see things the rest of us can only dream of... though you probably won't, because they're usually (though not always) highly intelligent, impossibly hot young women. (See file photos.) [1]

- He can change his face. Every now and again, the Doctor will go through what he calls regeneration, where he'll grow a completely new face and body. We have at least ten of these "incarnations" (for lack of a better word) on file. There are subtle differences in both dress and personality among them, but for the most part, his identity seems to remain consistent.

- He likes us. So much so that he's saved us who-knows-how-many-times. In particular, he seems to hang around Britain a lot. We think he likes the tea.

- But he's not always reliable. The Doctor is first and foremost a tourist. He won't always be there to save you. Sometimes he can't, due to however the rules of time travel work. And sometimes he just doesn't want to. He seems to try to avoid seeing humanity at its worse (see, for example, the 4-5-6 Incident -- you'll find it filed under How Not To Do Things If You Want the Doctor To Save Your Worthless Semi-Evolved Monkey [REDACTED]). Personally, I suspect he does this deliberately to keep us from getting dependent on him.

- And you meet him, he probably won't like you. Because if you're reading this, you're likely an officer in the military. Don't expect a warm reception at first. While he's worked with UNIT in the past, the Doctor at heart is kind of a hippy (albeit usually with a better dress sense). He hates violence, only uses it when he can't find any other alternative, and really doesn't like guns. Militaries are kind of the polar opposite of everything he believes in. But don't take it personally. If it helps, he used to give General Lethbridge-Stewart -- yep, the legendary Brig himself -- attitude pretty much 24/7.

- But you still need to listen to him. When all's said and done, he's still one of the very few advantages we have in a very dangerous reality. One we can't afford to ignore. So check your pride and humor him. Keep calm. Be polite. Don't ask overtly stupid questions. If he gets too eccentric or distracted, ask the companion(s) to help keep him on track -- that's practically the reason he keeps them around. And one last thing --

- Never, ever, ever make the Doctor angry. Trust me on this.

And those are the basics. Good luck. If you ever meet the Doctor, you're going to need it. Nine times out of ten, he shows up for a reason...

[1]: Yes, even if you're a woman. And straight. Seriously. Just see the file photos already.

The end!

(in ink in the margins:)

Arnold - this document is completely unacceptable. The Joint Chiefs will never accept this and you know it. I also find your comments regarding the Doctor's companions both unnecessary and sexist. Redo this. Now. - Carol

No can do, boss lady. I've got art therapy followed by a lunch date with a padded cell. Anyway, this is the US military we're talking about here. They like their sexism the way they like their coffee... okay, forget about the coffee, I'm not sure where I was going with that.

What I'm trying to say is, just throw in some meaningless acronyms and they'll eat it up. Now if you'll excuse me, I feel another psychotic break coming on. - A