Sometimes

Chapter thirty-four

I waited until I was outside of the room and halfway down the corridor before I allowed myself a breath.  My heart was throbbing and I could still feel his lips on mine.  I brought a hesitant hand up to my mouth and traced my bottom lip with a shaking finger.  My bag was slipping from my shoulder and I let it drop to the floor so I could pull on my jacket.  Even though I was in total denial about what had just happened, I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt strangely alive, like some part of me buried away deep had been wanting to do that for ages.  Kiss him I mean.  Not shout my head off at him.

   My bag back on my shoulder, I headed for the door.  Once outside I picked up my pace.  I was suddenly very aware that it would be easy for Aiden to catch up with me if he wanted to.  That, and I knew I looked a mess.  The cold wind stung my teary eyes and cheeks as I hunched my shoulders and marched home.  I took the back streets, deciding I had less chance of being spotted there than if I took the shorter journey along the main roads.  All it would take would be for Leanne to drive past and then I didn’t know what I’d do.  I started crying again then.  I didn’t know if it was the reality of what had just happened setting in, or if it was the fact that I’d never felt so alone.  This time last week I’d been naively optimistic about my relationship with Sonny and now, only a short time later, I’d lost any chance of that.  My best friend wasn’t speaking to me.  I didn’t expect Aiden to speak to me either after what I’d just done.  I mean, what girl shouts at a guy, then kisses him and leaves?  One who’s not right in the head. 

    The house was empty when I got home.  There was a note of the fridge from Mum, saying that her and Dad had gone out for tea and I assumed that Leanne was somewhere with Roz.  Or Sonny.  I ignored the ready meal that Mum had left on the kitchen counter for me and headed straight upstairs instead. 

    Once in my room, I avoided the mirror at all costs.  I knew I looked a state.  My eyes were bound to be puffy and red and I knew what little make-up I’d been wearing would have run with my tears.  My stomach rumbled so I picked at one of my sandwiches that I hadn’t eaten during lunch today.  Memories of Lara and the book resurfaced, bringing with them the sensation of Aiden’s lips on mine, and I suddenly didn’t feel hungry any more.

    I couldn’t understand what was happening to me.  The one thing that had been my escape for so long, had suddenly become the thing that made me want to escape.  There was no way I could dance anymore if my mind wasn’t going to clear the way it used to.  If my muscles weren’t going to relax and my worries erase themselves.  I felt suffocated as I wrapped myself up in my duvet, still wearing my tracksuit and my socks.  My phone sounded from my bag but I didn’t move.  I couldn’t face reading what Aiden had to say.  I couldn’t face Cassie telling me to never speak to her again.  I couldn’t face Leanne telling me that she was in love with Sonny and I couldn’t face another apology from him.  I didn’t feel like facing anything.

    The first thing that made me realise someone was in my room was the sudden blinding light searing through my closed eyelids.  I buried my face further into the pillow, only to feel the duvet being peeled out of my balled up fists.

    “I knew you wouldn’t have run off.  You’re not that dramatic.  Mum seriously needs to rein in her imagination.”

Leanne’s voice was full of humour right up until she must have glanced my face.  I refused to open my eyes but I could tell that she was standing over me. 

    “Dude.  What happened to your face?”

I could feel hair stuck to my cheeks with dried tears and my eyes stung as I hesitantly peered up at her.

Leanne opened her mouth to speak when her gaze spotted my red eyes.

    “Don’t let Mum up here, okay?”