The Hairy Porter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets

Scene 7 - Trouble in Tiny Town

Angus awoke to a light flicking sensation on his left cheek, followed by a squeaking sound.

"-scuse me. I said excuse me. You're on my dress," said a small chipmunk-like voice.

"Huh, wha?" said Angus supporting a hefty hangover from the night before.

"I said you're on my dress," said the small voice.

"Whoops sorry," Angus said automatically not knowing who he was apologising to.

Angus turned his face to the left in order to seek out the source of the annoyance.

"Eeek! Get off me you pervert!" said the small voice, followed by a hard flick on his nose.

Angus pulled himself up from the ground, hoping to prevent further mishap.

"Help!" yelled the small voice again, as he felt something slide from his nose. Just before it fell, he managed to cup his hands around it, catching its fall.

Angus examined the contents of his hands, to find a tiny slender woman, with golden hair and a purple dress laying within them.

"What are you?" said Angus, straight off the bat.

His head still felt like it had been run over by a tram making it very difficult to issue any pleasantries to the small creature.

"I'm not a 'what' , I'm a 'who' I'll have you know, and my name is Alice. Not that you asked."

"Ah I'm sorry, but why are you so small? Are you a pixie?"

"Why are you so tall? Are you a giant?" she said sharply.

"Ah no I'm not. I'm an Angus. Pretty rare species I hear."

"Well then. I'm not a pixie, I'm a little person I'll have you know. But no matter, I don't wish to talk to a pervert, " she said before turning her back to him.

"What? I'm not a pervert."

"Says the man who had his nose halfway up my dress," she said tersely.

"And you ruined my dress. Look at it. It's in tatters... It smells awful... and...I smell awful. It's all your fault. You meanie," she said with a half sob in her voice as she drew her knees up to her face and cried softly into her, now, purple rags.

"Ah-er-what can I say? I'm sorry. I din't mean to make you upset...um.. Alice," Angus said, rubbing the back of his neck as he stumbled over his words, "an' I'm sorry about what happened to your dress. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"Do you mean it?" she asked between sniffles."

"Yeah sure, why not?" said Angus.

"Well I suppose you could get me a new dress seeing as you ruined mine."

"Aye, I'll grab you a new dress." said Angus while unsure how he was going to pay for it.

Alice blew her nose with a minuscule white handkerchief and smiled sweetly.

Angus noticed the small wings on her back were bent in a awkward angle.

"What happened to your wings?" he asked.

"What happened to 'your' wings?" she said mimicking his question.

"I don't have any wings. What I meant was, they looked a tad broken Just wondered what happened to them. Tha's all."

"Ah shush, they're meant to look like that."

Angus seriously doubted that was the case, especially when one of the wings was hanging horizontally from her back. In her current condition she had more chance of being a fan than actually being able to fly. But Angus kept his thoughts to himself, knowing they would only stand aggravate the irritable 'small person' if he shared them.

"So where can we get this dress from then?" Angus asked. While he felt silly going dress shopping for what was essentially a Barbie doll with dilapidated wings, he wanted to find out more information about where the fuck he was and unfortunately she was the only way he'd get it.

"There's a town a short way from here, if we follow the path to the right."

"We can't go that way."

"Long story," he said when she looked at him puzzled.

"Geez looks like we'll have to go to the other town. It's a little further away but we should reach it just after nightfall."

Alice's cheeks reddened suddenly, "Erm could you put me down please?"

"Sure. Wait, I thought you could fly?"

"Yes well, I can, not that it's any of your business anyway, but I just don't like it. If that's okay with you Mr fifty questions?"

"Before I drop you back on the ground. I just have one question. Where are we?"

"I hope you mean 'put' not 'drop," she said showing a slight level of concern in her eyes.

"Aye I mean 'put'. Now where are we?"

"Are you joking?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"We're in Nirvana."

"As in Kurt Cobain's band?"

"Shush, are you trying to have us killed?" she eyed the surrounding forest suspiciously, "they'll think you're a supporter."

"Who will?"

"Geez, do you ever not ask questions? Anyway, it's dangerous to speak openly here. Too many eyes and ears in the forest."

Angus creased his eyebrows in confusion, before he gently lowered her to the ground. He was still none the wiser what the hell was going on but at least he had company now. Alice strapped a conker shell to her head, while she retrieved a tiny pedal bike which she had hidden under a pile of leaves.

Angus grinned, trying to contain his snickers.

"Shush you. Why are you laughing?"

"Jus' never seen a penis ride a bike before... I mean pixie... not penis."

"Hmph, you're an idiot," she said, before she sped off on her bike leaving Angus trailing behind her.

"Alice, ah come on don't be like that," he said as he ran after her through the forest.

The green eyes waited patiently as the little person and the metal head left its view, before it jumped from the trees and followed closely behind them.