The Hairy Porter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets

Scene 8 - Anyone got a wet wipe?

It had been over an hour's walk and Angus still hadn't arrived at the promised town. He'd already given up on chasing the bike-crazed pixie and slowed back down to his usual pace.

"Eeeeeek!" screeched a shrill voice which came from up ahead.

"Alice, you alright there?" said Angus as he ran towards the noise.

When no reply came, he doubled his pace until he saw a tall figure up ahead.

At first Angus mistook the figure for a man, but the closer he got, the more he realised he was mistaken.

Small tentacles flicked from its mouth, as it approached Alice with his sharp pointed ears and beak like nose.

"Fuck me, I hope that ain't a fucking elf," Angus said as he realised all of his Lord of the Rings education had been made redundant in an instant.

Angus noticed Alice lay helpless and immobile on the ground, with her leg caught in her bike chain.

The dashing knight within him ran to save her from the pale-skinned creature. With no sword to speak of, Angus charged and rugby tackled the beast, pinning him to the ground. He pulled his flashlight from his back pocket in order to deflect the wormlike tendrils that whipped towards his face. Each whip closer to his skin than the last. The small tentacles curled tightly around the flash light until Angus had no choice but to relinquish it. The creature swallowed the flashlight completely, leaving Angus barehanded, and turned its fierce unmerciful red eyes towards him.

"You bastard. I can't believe you ate my fuckin' torch," a quick flash of memories flooded before him of times well spent with his beloved light provider. All of those times suddenly brought to an end.

"Give....me... my... fucking... torch.... back," he said while he delivered punches to the creatures neck between each word.

The creature heaved, spewing the flashlight squarely at Angus's forehead, knocking him for six.

In that instant , the pin reversed and the creature was now on top restraining the top half of Angus's body. The creature tensed its hairless protruding brows before it yawned and dislocated its jaw in the process. Thousands of the worm-like tendrils crawled from its mouth slithering towards Angus's face. Their moist spit covered bodies wiggling uncomfortably against his skin.

Angus shook his head like a deranged beaver trying to escape their unpleasant touch.

With only his legs free, Angus kicked wildly , trying to push the creature from his body, but found it impossible. Whatever it was, it was stronger than him. A source of inspiration came to him. It was a dirty move, but if it paid off , it would mean he'd survive another day.

Angus bent his leg and promptly kneed the creature in the bollocks.

Unfortunately instead of finding soft ball shaped tissue against his knee as it made a connection, he found the hardest substance known to man.

"What the fuck you got in there? Diamonds?" he said as he winced in pain.

He was all out of moves. He laid his head back and closed his eyes accepting his fate while the wormlike tentacles probed at his skin.

When Angus closed his eyes, he heard a beastly snarl from behind him and the slight tremor of the earth as something approached. Angus felt something bound over him while the creature above him wriggled violently. He opened his eyes to see a large beast-like dog with black fur sinking its sharp teeth into the creature's neck. Angus couldn't decide whether he should feel relieved or worried about the new beast saving his bacon.

As the large beast tore the skin from the tentacle creature's neck, it quickly leapt from Angus's body and fled to safety while the dog remained continuing to snarl.

Once the beast was certain the creature had left for good, it turned its attention to Angus with its dark green eyes and menacing teeth. The black dog licked at Angus's face a few times, showing it was friendly before it padded off over to Alice to do the same.

At first Alice screamed, but upon realising it wasn't out to eat her but shower her in drool, she returned to her normal.

"Gee thanks, Mr Dog, now I'm completely drenched in spit. Angus! Get him off of me."

"No need to be wet blanket Alice. Whoops, too late," Angus said as he sat back and laughed to himself as he watched the dog continue to slobber all over her.

"That's enough, Slabface," said a familiar female voice from behind Angus, "come here boy."

The dog stopped what it was doing and immediately obeyed its master's commands.