The Hairy Porter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets

Scene 9 - Moral of the story - "Don't throw stones"

"Are there any eyes and ears on us Slabface?" asked the voice from behind Angus.

The dog sniffed the air and circled the area before shaking its head.

"Good boy," said the woman as she stroked underneath the dog's chin.

Angus got to his feet to find a woman garbed in exotic clothing and her hair bound by a diamond tiara. He had a strange feeling he had met her before but didn't know how and when.

"What the fuck was that? Who the hell are you and why did you name that dog Slabface?" Angus asked desperately looking for answers.

"I'm here two minutes and he's already asking the 'whats, whos and whys' with no mention of how lovely my tiara looks today," she said to her dog almost ignoring Angus.

"Aye, your tiara is the best tiara I have ever seen and your beauty is unparalleled by even the gods themselves," he said pandering to her wishes.

"I bet you say that to all the ladies," she said as her face crimsoned slightly, "might I also add that a certain level of manners and decorum will get you a lot further in life, rather than 'who da fook?' and 'where da fook?'."

"Decorum?" said Angus, a little unfamiliar to the word, "Do you mean all that 'how now brown cow' shit?"

"Never mind," she said rolling her eyes, "I believe you had a question or questions should I say, with regards to that creature. I believe the villagers call them mumpires or mampires. Who cares, vile creatures anyway."

"Don't you mean vampires?"

"Did you hear me say vampires? No I distinctly said mumpires and mampires."

"What's the difference?" said Angus

"Well for a start, vampires are fictional characters who have the sexual appeal of a pasty movie star. Whilst your average mumpire or mampire has appearance of something that just crawled out of a face hugger's vagina."

"You haven't seen Alien have you?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

"Well anyway, you understand where I'm coming from. They also drain musical talent rather than blood. In this world, no musical talent equals death."

"Okay, little weird I'll be honest but I'll go with it."

"With regards to who I am, I'm a little hurt you do not remember our night together," she said with a suggestive wink.

"Night together?" he said dumbfounded.

“Excuse me. I have a problem with my room.”

"Miss Prentagast! It was you wasn't it?"

"Well the first time yes, the second time, no, that was just an old hag you just happened to disturb."

"Just happened to disturb? If it weren't for you I wouldn't have been up there in the first place. In fact if it weren't for you I wouldn't be in this godforsaken world."

"Pftt that's gratitude for you Slabface. You save a man's life and then he accuses you of ruining it," she said turning to her dog.

"Erm thanks, I guess. So who are you really? And why am I here?"

The last question had been burning inside of him for quite some time now, as he was eager to find out what his role was in this whole bizarre charade.

"As to my name. You may address me as Sissa, a demi-goddess of this world," she said before eyeing him curiously, "I have told you that I am of divine heritage, yet do you not bend the knee or bow in my presence?"

Angus bent his knee only slightly, "There you go."

"Grrr, your knee is not even touching the floor."

"Well you did say you were only half a god, didn't you?" replied Angus with a smirk.

She only glared at him until he felt his knee drop suddenly to the ground, "There, much better," she said with a certain level of satisfaction.

"As to why you are here. I feel it is best to speak of the current situation this world is in at the moment, and consequently yours."

"Mine?"

"I'm sure you have noticed a few strange occurrences on TV, involving certain popular metal band members."

Angus nodded.

"Well I will try and explain this simply so you can understand. Imagine a large pond. Well let us say the pond represents the world of Nirvana in it's entirety. Now visualise what will happen when someone throws a stone onto its surface."

"It would make a splash," said Angus, looking pleased with himself.

"Yes, you are correct, but think beyond that. The splash in turn will create ripples in the pond, which in turn will affect the things around it, such as the edges of the pond. Are you still with me?"

"Yeah I think so. Are you saying my world is one of those edges affected by the ripples?"

"Precisely. The trouble is someone has thrown huge boulder into our world and which means..."

"Mine is fucked."

"Correct."

"So what's this got to do with me?"

"As you know Metallica played stairway to heaven backwards which unearthed the seventeen instruments of destruction."

"What are they?"

"There is a crone in the next village who will explain more if you wish to learn it, but for now all I can say is someone is after them but I'm not sure who. I suspect it is one of the mainstream lands, but I couldn't say which. They all seem to have their own political agendas. "

"Okay, why don't the gods just sort it out?"

"They swore an oath long ago, to never get involved."

"But you'v-"

"I'm a half god remember, the rules only half apply to me. Anyway I'd better make myself scarce before the other gods know of my involvement. They may not look too kindly on my interference thus far. Anyway have a pleasant day," she said and dematerialised before his eyes leaving the dog behind.

"Damn, I need me to learn how to do that shit. Wouldn't need to walk anywhere again."

Suddenly as Angus mulled through the new information he'd learnt, he realised something.

"Wait! What do you want me to do about it?"

"Stop them." said an ominous voice.

"How?"

"Speak to the crone."