The Hairy Porter and the Bed Chamber of Secrets

Scene 14 - Jungle Massive

"Mr Angus, what are you doing?" said Alice as she was jostled in Angus's pocket.

"I'm dancing and I can't fucking stop."

"You actually like this music Mr Angus?"

"Fuck no I ain't dancing by choice."

"Oh."

"Actually why aren't you affected?"

"Little persons have different hearing ranges, while I'm more sensitive to higher pitched sounds, I remain unaffected by the low and deep sounds which I presume are causing this dance hypnosis."

"Hide Alice, I think we're approaching an clearing, probably bes' if you don't let them know you're 'ere."

"Roger that," she said as she hid.

Angus continued his seizure induced dance manoeuvres until he passed through to the centre of the clearing. His jaw fell slack as he saw what lay before him. One giant orangutan sat directly opposite Angus slapping at the bongos in front of him with his enormous hands. Angus probably would have described him as a massively hairy beast if the creature hadn't already covered the majority of his fur with a yellow shell suit and baseball cap.

A crew or 'posse' of monkeys sat near the orangutan with menacing looks and promises of thuggery. Gold 'bling' hung from their necks and wrists swaying as they played their instruments to their leader's bongo rhythms.

Angus found he was still unable to move voluntarily by any great degree while the bongos took over his muscle control, mimicking some strange sort of puppet show

"As fun as this is, could you stop this now?" asked Angus.

The orangutan just ignored him happily beating away at his bongos.

Angus grew tired and irritable quickly, while his muscles felt weak and overused. There was little he could do about it yet but try to bargain with the orangutan.

"Look i'm gettin' pretty tired of this shit and my arms are effing killing me. So can you stop this shitty music an' I'll be on my way."

The yellow shell suited beast paused, keeping only his left hand tapping at the bongos while he searched for his monocle with the right. Placing the lens over his right eye he peered over at Angus.

"Old bean, are you calling my jungle rhythm of little worth? A mere flight of fancy and a travesty to your ear drums? "

"I guess I'd be saying that, pretty much."

The orangutan's face spasmed before his voice changed its tone, "Kill 'im Gav, let the zumbies and the garbles 'ave 'im."

His face spasmed again.

"Brian, old chum, I thought I made this perfectly clear that I make the decisions and you are only allowed out on a Sunday. How I will deal with this numpty should not concern yourself."

"But Gav I was only tryin' to help and that. Didn't mean no offense. Just didn't like his attitude tha's all."

"While your sentiments and goodwill are greatly appreciated, I feel that you need to understand and respect the rules which I have clearly posted up on the public notice board situated by the side of the hut," Gav replied to Brian.

Angus thought, of all the jungles in all the world, he just had to meet the one orangutan who enjoyed playing Ragga Jungle and was currently having a conversation with himself. The beat of the bongos began to slow while Gav continued his two-way conversation with Brian.

The erratic display of dancing by Angus diminished as he felt the hold of music subside. Angus being Angus, used this opportunity to ensure his escape. He placed his headphones in his ears and switched on his mp3 player. He didn't have time to properly choose as song so he left shuffle to make the important decision on his behalf. It chose Korn - Got the life. Now this was a song he could dance to voluntarily and kick some ass in the mean time.

A couple of the monkeys who noticed Angus moving with his own free will, jumped and screeched in their frustration.

"I'm sorry dear Brian but I'd afraid I'm going to have to put this conversation on hold until I've recaptured this numpty."

The orangutan turned to face Angus.

"So it seems I underestimated your cunning with regards to freeing yourself from my jungle rhythms. No matter, I'll soon sort that little blip."

He slapped at the bongos twice. Two of the monkeys left from his posse and leapt towards Angus, hissing as they approached. As Angus had his earphones in, he couldn't hear what the orangutan said but he was pretty sure based on the manner by which the monkeys approached that whatever it was...it wasn't good.

The first monkey to reach him went straight for his face with its hands outstretched and teeth bared, but Angus was more than prepared for him when he aimed one of his fists squarely at its jaw, keeping the other fist free should the other monkey have the same idea. The first monkey fell to the floor, and struggled briefly to get up but thought better of it when Angus taunted him with his fist.

The second monkey seemed a little more devious, since it didn't rush in the affray like his foolish counterpart but instead watched, analysing Angus's movements. Once it had calculated the right time, it bolted between Angus's legs and attacked from behind. Before Angus knew it, the creature had already embedded its teeth into his neck.

Angus clutched the creature by the scruff of the neck and pulled it away from him. When the creature separated from Angus's neck, it tore some of his skin in the process and flailed frantically in the air. Angus kept his arm outstretched keeping his would-be-attacker at bay, still holding him by the scruff of the neck. He readied his foot before letting go and dropkicking the monkey back toward its posse.

Deciding to ready himself for the next attack he reached for his banjo only to discover it wasn't there. A vague remembrance entered his mind which explained he had dropped the Ann Summers bag on the floor when he started dancing.

The orangutan's face had changed considerably from one of pure calm to one of insipid rage.

"How dare you? Attack my posse will you? Well I won't be 'aving it. Not on my watch. Sorry Gav but you had your chance to sort this. Now it's Brian's turn."

Angus watched as the rest of the posse backed away from the newly appointed Gav controller known as Brian.

Were they afraid?  thought Angus.

It certainly appeared so to him. All of them retreated to the safety of the treetops, leaving only Angus and the orangutan, formerly known as Gav, alone.

The orangutan doubled his tempo on the bongos and Angus felt the earth shake beneath him. He looked down to see several mounds appearing from beneath him, each the size of a football.

Angus jumped back automatically and watched.

"What the hell are they?" asked Angus.

Brian answered, followed with maniacal laughter while the underground creatures exposed only their pallid hands from the tips of the mounds.

Angus couldn't hear what he said, but he was pretty sure he lip-read the word 'Zumbies'.