Irhaboggle Pride (2018) 30 Days, 30 Stories

Stay

"I have been in love with no one, and never shall," Carmilla whispered, "unless it should be with you." How beautiful she looked in the moonlight! Shy and strange was the look with which she quickly hid her face in Laura's neck and hair. She then pressed into Laura's a hand that trembled. Her soft cheek was glowing against her companion's.

"Darling, darling," she murmured, "I live in you, and you would die for me, I love you so."

"What can you mean by all of this?" Laura finally demanded, pulling out of Carmilla's embrace. Laura had come to care for Carmilla in the short few weeks that they had been together. But every once in a while, Carmilla would go off on strange reveries, and Laura would grow afraid and uncertain of her once again. As if they were still strangers, and Laura had no idea what to make of the situation. She never understood what the reveries meant. They came to Carmilla like momentary bouts of insanity, but there was nothing in Carmilla's health to indicate madness.

"I mean, simply, that I care for you dearly and deeply," Carmilla replied calmly. "Surely you can see that?"

"Of course I can, but why do you talk so strangely about your affections for me?" Laura implored.

"Because they run deeper than someone like you can possibly understand," Carmilla rested her head on Laura's shoulder again.

"And I don't suppose you will ever tell me?" Laura asked, but she had already resigned herself to a negative answer. Carmilla was incredibly secretive and had yet to disclose much of anything about her life, even to Laura, even though she claimed to trust Laura immensely.

As perhaps inappropriate as it was, Laura did always hope that when Carmilla spoke of love to her, especially in this way, that she meant it in a way that would keep the two of them together forever. Laura understood already, inherently, that such a desire was both uncouth and unfair to Carmilla herself, but as child raised in loneliness and isolation, Laura craved for human contact, especially with someone just like her. Carmilla had filled a void inside of Laura that Laura was only dimly aware of until now. But now that she was aware of it, she wanted nothing more than for Carmilla to stay. To stay forever and to keep that void from ever emptying.

If Carmilla would ever leave her, Laura was certain that the loneliness would be unbearable. Carmilla could not leave Laura after coming into her life so suddenly, and filling it with such new and interesting experiences. To lose Carmilla, and go back to the way things were, was something Laura dreaded, something she scarcely thought possible! How could she ever forget a life with Carmilla after having tasted it so far?

But sometimes her subconscious would prickle. She knew that this was but a temporary engagement, and someday, Carmilla would again leave the schloss, and there was no guarantee she would ever come back. Carmilla was never meant to be a permanent fixture in her life. Things were supposed to return to "normal" one day, but Laura did not want that. Instead, she hoped and dreamed, no matter how fanciful it was. She would pretend that Carmilla's fancy words and speeches were true, and that Carmilla would stay.

"You shall know all one day. In the meantime, you are not to trouble your head about it," Carmilla said.

"I ought not to have asked you," Laura sighed. Although Carmilla had denied to satisfy Laura's curiosity many times before, each new refusal still stung Laura just as much as the last.

"Dearest, your little heart is wounded. Think me not cruel because I obey the irresistible law of my strength and weakness. If your dear heart is wounded, my wild heart bleeds with yours!" Carmilla promised, taking Laura's hand in her own and squeezing it with a fond, possessive sort of pressure. It did nothing to placate Laura, serving only to increase her desire to know the truth of Carmilla's past. And her future.

But it was Laura's hope that even if she was not meant to share in Carmilla's future, then at the very least, she would someday be able to share in Carmilla's past. Carmilla would not be with Laura forever, as Laura knew well, so she wished to take in as much of the odd but charming girl as she could while there was still time. But Carmilla was stubborn and Laura feared that there would be nothing left of Carmilla for her to hold onto once Carmilla had departed again.

"When shall that day come?" Laura finally dared to ask. "When will the day come that you will finally confide in me? Will it be the day you leave me forever?" The young lady's voice broke as she finally dared to confess what had truly been plaguing her conscience for so long.

"Sooner than that," Carmilla promised. "For the day shall come that you understand all. And that you and I become one. But never shall the day come that I leave you."

Laura looked at the beautiful woman sadly. "How can that be?" she asked. "You surely have a home to return to, a mother..." she thought back to the night Carmilla had come to her, carriage crash and all, fierce woman in black leaving the young lady in the care of Laura and her father.

"Perhaps so," Carmilla answered. "But perhaps not. And what if you were to come with me?"

"Would Papa allow it?" Laura asked with a sigh. She loved her father dearly, but she knew he would never allow her to leave the schloss.

"Perhaps so," Carmilla repeated. "One cannot truly know what the future will hold. It is as ever-changing and mysterious as the moon!" The pretty lady broke off to stare at the moon, hanging in the midnight and surrounded by stars.

"But one can predict the moon's path, and phases," Laura reminded her friend as she looked up as well.

"To an extent," Carmilla said. "One can predict the moon's path and phases, but not the outcome of what they will cause."

Laura nodded, but said no more, unable to allow Carmilla to fill her head with more false hopes and dreams. Although she desired greatly for Carmilla to stay with her, she knew it was not to be. Even if Carmilla wished it as well, and even if Laura were allowed to leave with Carmilla when the time came for Carmilla to go home, Laura could feel that she and Carmilla would not find the happiness that they both so desired.

It was not just a matter of physically being together, but of spiritually being together. What was it that Carmilla had said? That she and Laura would someday become one? Surely it was just a fantasy! Because the promise that should've filled Laura with such hope and joy only filled her with sadness, and a foreboding sense of impending demise.

Laura feared that it was her fate to spend the rest of her life alone. She would never be able to have Carmilla in the way that she desired. Not now, nor ever. But she would never be able to forget the beautiful woman either. She would be trapped, frozen in time, for eternity. She could already feel it in her bones that their love would be like the moon: bright, only visible at night, surrounded by Heaven, and ever-waning into nothingness. It was only a matter of time before Carmilla's moon waned, and Laura would be left alone in darkness with nothing to guide her home.