Irhaboggle Pride (2018) 30 Days, 30 Stories

A Little Bit Wrong

Dr. Lockewood sighed unhappily. As perfect as life was, something felt just a little bit wrong. Dr. Lockewood knew it was because they were going through a period of turmoil regarding their gender, but they still weren't sure what to do about it. They had been born a male, but there had been a subtle yet persistent feeling of dysphoria in them ever since they were fairly young. In the beginning, they'd been able to ignore the feeling, just because it wasn't too intense, but at least over the past year or so, it had become stronger and stronger.

"I... know I don't feel like a man, but... Do I feel like a woman?" Dr. Lockewood would sometimes speak their thoughts out loud, just to try to sort through them. They had experimented with female names, pronouns and fashion, and it did feel more comfortable than the male alternative, but it still wasn't a clear-cut feeling. They didn't have some huge epiphany the first time they ever tried on a dress. Instead, it felt more like... an old comfort. Like, a warm feeling they hadn't experienced in a very long time, something beckoning them home.

That had prompted the start of their transition, beginning with mentally using gender neutral pronouns. The rest of the world had no idea, but Dr. Lockewood no longer conceptualized themself as a "he/him". But because they didn't quite conceptualize themself as a "she/her" either (not yet, at least), for the time being, they used "they/them". It felt a little bit wrong to use "they/them", but at the same time, there was a subtle feeling of familiarity that they'd never felt while using male pronouns.

"It still feels a little bit wrong, but I'm sure I'll get used to it as time passed," Dr. Lockewood sighed. That was the downside to being so early in the transition stages. Not only were they not quite sure how to proceed, they weren't even sure where they were supposed to be preceding to, so to speak. Dr. Lockewood was pretty sure they were MtF, but they weren't completely sure just yet (hence the gender-neutral pronouns). And it was hard to tell. There was so great sign they could look for. They just had to trust their feelings, which was difficult enough already.

"I wonder, should I start hormones now? Or should I wait... On the one hand, starting them now might help me figure out my gender a bit faster and clearer than just waiting and reflecting. On the other, I don't know if I want to go through with it unless I'm completely sure..." That was another downside to being an adult and then transitioning. Even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with being an adult transgender person, that did make it trickier on several levels.

For one, Dr. Lockewood had long-since passed through puberty, so if they did ever want to medically transition, they had a lot of work to "undo". For another, because they'd lived as their assigned gender for a lot longer, they were willing to assume that part of their current doubt stemmed from that. They'd spent so much of their life as a guy that it was hard to imagine being anything but. Likewise, because the culture they were raised in had been beholden to a rather strict binary, that was another reason they weren't sure of what their gender was. They may not have felt like a man, but they didn't quite feel like a woman either. But was that because of an internal thing, or a societal thing? If only it was easier to tell!

But even if they weren't sure of "what they were", so to speak, they knew what they were not, so they did have a small starting ground.

"Well, I guess I could always start HRT, but if I decide that it's not for me, I can always opt out," they continued to talk themselves through. So perhaps it would be worth it to try hormones now and see if the chemical shift would shed anymore light on their gender discovery. If it turned out that Dr. Lockewood did feel happier on hormones, then they would continue to transition. But if they were not satisfied, well, they would cross that bridge once they got to it. First things first. Unfortunately, transitioning was a slow process.

But with some semblance of a plan starting to take shape, Dr. Lockewood was quick to put in a request for a consultation. How funny, they were a medical doctor, but now they had to seek the help of another in order to decide what "medication" would be a best fit for them. But even just getting to fill out a request for a consultation felt like a huge step in the right direction. Even though the doctor wouldn't be able to just magically decide whether or not Dr. Lockewood was trans, the thought of finally being able to talk things over with someone else sure did feel liberating!

ooo

"So, what do you think, doc?" Dr. Lockewood asked.

"Well, from what you've reported to me, I would indeed support your decision to begin HRT," the therapist replied, mulling over her notes.

"So you'll give me a referral?" Dr. Lockewood felt their heart leap into their throat. Even though this had been something they'd been considering for ages, to actually take one step closer to that dream was... surreal!

"Yes," the doctor replied, smiling gently at Dr. Lockewood. Although Dr. Lockewood may have had their doubts, the therapist was much more confident. She'd seen plenty of patients just like Dr. Lockewood in her day, and even though each patient was unique and not every single one of them was trans, she was pretty good at being able to figure out if someone was or wasn't based on how their sessions with her went.

Dr. Lockewood had repeatedly said that they were uncertain, so part of their hesitancy surrounding HRT was that they didn't even know if they were a woman to begin with, but therapist was quick to reassure Dr. Lockewood just the same.

"Even if you aren't sure yet, you will be someday," she promised. "I'm not saying you will definitely decide you're a woman, though. Perhaps you'll ultimately realize you're nonbinary, or another gender! Either way, it's wonderful that you're willing to experiment. And remember, there is no wrong answer. Even if you don't ultimately identify the way you thought you would, your gender is valid regardless."

"Well, the question has been on my mind more and more of late," Dr. Lockewood admitted shyly. "I didn't used to think about this stuff, it just kinda... started recently. I'm not really sure why, but..."

"Well, it is never too late to transition. Queer people aren't just youth, they're adults and elderly people, too!" the therapist reminded. "So you don't necessarily need a "reason" to start questioning your gender. As soon as it becomes something important enough to you that you experiment with it, that's the only reason you need. There is no right way to transition, because it's different for every person!"

"I know, I just hope my feelings point towards something clear soon," Dr. Lockewood confessed. They were not closed to the idea that they may be nonbinary, or another gender, they just wished that their feelings would point them in some direction.

"Well, that's what you're doing right now, isn't it?" the therapist asked. "Even though you may not feel any gut instinct, you're taking the first step towards testing the waters! And, if it's of any reassurance, the doubt can be considered, in a way, proof that you are trans."

"What?" Dr. Lockewood asked. "My doubt is proof that I'm trans?"

"I know, this is a little unprofessional of me to say," the therapist admitted. "It's an oversimplification, but the way I see it, very few cis people mull over their gender this much. So even if you aren't sure of what gender you might be, and even if you might experience doubt in the days and months to come, you can have faith and certainty in your identity as a trans person."

And Dr. Lockewood's eyes lit up in understanding. It was true! Even though cis people could question their gender, they were likely to not feel as conflicted as someone who was actually trans, even if that person in question wasn't sure what their gender was yet. So, in a weird way, that feeling of something being a little bit wrong was actually the surest proof that Dr. Lockewood was trans. They may not have been sure of the specifics, but realizing that their doubt was all part of the journey felt uplifting, and after long enough, it began to feel a little bit right!