After All

Chapter Nine

            As much as I tried to forget Cassie's words, they kept drifting into my head the next few days. They distracted me while I was studying and invaded my thoughts whenever I was in the studio, which now reminded me of Ryan. They made me so flustered around him during math class, as I tried to analyze every look he gave me, that I kept dropping my pencil and fumbling over my words. These were the exact distractions I was trying to avoid this year. I was perfectly fine with being attracted to Ryan, but never acting on those feelings. Why did Cassie have to ruin it for me?

Determined to put it all out of my head, I agreed to go to the mall with Alexis and Lisa on Saturday afternoon as a distraction. We needed to procure costumes for the big Halloween party at one of the local bars on Friday.

"Does Cassie have a costume already?" Lisa asked as we rode the elevator up to the second floor. Indoor malls were something else I had to get used to up north. Most of the ones we had in Florida were outside. "Yeah. She said she's just going to wear her Catholic school uniform from last year. With a few alterations of course." It was practically a requirement for college girls to dress as scantily as possible on Halloween. I hoped to still maintain at least a little bit of class with my costume though.

After trying on what seemed like hundreds of "naughty" outfits, which resulted in so many giggles we were crying, the girls and I finally decided on three suitable costumes. I got some accessories to transform myself into Audrey Hepburn, and Alexis and Lisa chose to complement each other with angel and devil costumes. For all our efforts, we decided it was necessary to reward ourselves with milkshakes.

Standing off to the side while waiting for Alexis and Lisa to pay for their drinks, I took a sip of my strawberry shake and scanned the crowds. Mothers attempting to wrangle obstinate little ones, high school couples nervously clumped together in awkward group dates, single twenty-somethings rushing through trying to buy what they needed and get out, the mall was a melting pot of suburban society. My eyes wandered before settling on a young couple across the food court. They were holding hands and laughing together. Then, as if in slow motion, he tipped her back and kissed her. I caught a glimpse of the chiseled profile of his face. The one I had spent so many hours studying in the art studio. Ryan. My Ryan. Okay, not really my Ryan, and that was of my own choosing. But still. What was he doing with hands all over that girl? Her highlights were visibly overdue, and the skirt she was wearing was hardly appropriate for public viewing. I didn't even think she was wearing a bra. I almost choked on my milkshake.

"This was a fabulous idea," Lisa bumped my shoulder, oblivious to my discovery.

"Yeah," I said vaguely, trying my hardest to tear my eyes away from the train wreck that was Ryan and that girl. I had only confessed my confused feelings to Cassie, and I wanted to keep it that way. So, as hard as it was going to hold back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks, I needed to stay composed. I didn't want Alexis or Lisa to know what was going on, especially because they had warned me to stay away from him in the first place.

"Ooo, strawberry!" Alexis appeared on my other side. "Can I have a sip?" she shoved her vanilla shake in my hand to switch. "Come on, girls," Lisa walked back towards the main part of the mall, "I still have to find a pair of killer heels to go with this costume."

I spent the next hour following after them, chiming into the conversation just enough so they wouldn't ask me what was wrong. But my mind constantly replayed the scene of Ryan kissing that girl over and over on a loop. It shouldn't have bothered me. I was the one who put limits on our relationships, boundaries. Ryan was free to pursue any romantic relationship he wanted to. I should have been relieved to have confirmation that he obviously only wanted to be friends. So, why did I want to cry? Because it felt like a betrayal after the weekend I'd just spend with him. Even as friends, he could have mentioned that he was seeing someone. Were we not even that anymore? Did I really mean so little to him?