After All

Chapter Twenty-One

            "I can't do this, Cassie," I wailed into the phone a little while later. I tried to keep it out of the water as I relaxed in the large soaking tub with more bubbles than I'd ever seen. "I am not going to be able to sleep knowing he's right next to me. I can practically feel him looking at me." I glanced around, as if he'd created a peephole from which to spy on me.

"You know Lily, this doesn't actually have to be a bad thing."

"What do you mean? Of course it's a bad thing! I put him in the past; I was done with him."

"But you really weren't," she said gently. "You shoved down all the feelings you had about him years ago, but you never really dealt with them. This weekend could finally bring you closure on that. Or maybe..."

"Maybe what?" My voice had an edge of anger to it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear where she was going with this. Cassie had this innate sense of knowing what I wanted and needed, sometimes even before I did. It annoyed the crap out of me, though she was almost always right.

"Maybe this weekend will bring you guys back together."

"Have you forgotten this is the guy who broke my heart? That after being in love with me for almost a year, he apparently met someone else and that was enough to throw away everything we had?"

"Exactly. You don't know what happened, not really. Maybe you'll find out and understand it all. I'm not saying he wasn't a total jerk, he absolutely was, but I saw you guys together, remember? Love like that doesn't just go away."

The pain in my chest reminded me there was a sliver of a chance she was right. That I did occasionally, in my darkest moments, hold on to hope that one day Ryan and I would get back together. But I didn't want her to know that. I couldn't let my mind go there. Not yet. "Yeah, well he obviously doesn't still want me. He could have had his chance when..." I stopped myself suddenly. That was a secret I'd held onto for almost five years. Even in my most drunken filter-less moments, I'd never spoken a word of it to anyone, not even Cassie.

"When what?" she asked.

"Ummm, nothing. You know what, I've got to go. I'm so tired I might just fall asleep in this tub."

"Well, that would solve all your problems," Cassie snarked.

"Shut up. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay. And, Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you don't want to, but at least think about what I said, okay? Second chances don't come around too often."

"I promise I'll try. Good night." As I hung up the phone, her last comment stuck with me. Where had I heard something like that before? I pondered it as I dried off from the tub and slipped into a loose tank-top and pajama shorts. As I ran a brush through my long hair, I remembered. My mom. It was just like what she said when she sent me the transfer application to SVA: Remember that second chances don't come often, so you need to grab them when they do. My mom had been right then, so could Cassie be right now? Or had I already used up all my second chances?

***

There was no way I could sleep knowing Ryan was so close to me. Eventually I gave up and stepped out onto the balcony attached to my room. The warm, fresh air wrapped around me like a blanket as soon as I opened the two glass French doors inward. The breeze calmed and centered me, slowing my thoughts. Sitting down in one of the two wooden rocking chairs, I tucked my legs underneath myself and let the peace wash over me. The view was absolutely spectacular. The hotel was ocean-front, so nothing blocked the clear view of the beach. There was an eerie peace to it, with only the moon and a smattering of stars to illuminate the seascape. Glittery light and shadows fought for dominance on the ebb and flow of the water. The crashing waves drowned out the sounds of partying twentysomethings, like a huge sound machine. I rocked back and forth in time with the swells, slowing my breathing to match the rhythm. For the first time all day, I felt truly relaxed.