Desert Children (Killjoys)

Runaway Scars

| Sorry for the late update...I changed the cover and name. |

That night Ghoul and I ate dinner alone. The others were out getting drunk and partying. Ghoul was usually the party type but recently he had become more of an introvert. Not that I really minded because I didn't want to embarrass myself by doing something stupid.

After dinner, Ghoul and I watched the sunset on the roof. Ghoul reached over and took my hand in his.

"You never told me about you." He said.

I was a bit taken aback. I didn't know he had still remembered our conversation from way back when.

"I don't know what to really say." I replied.

"Where you were born, where you lived, life accomplishments."

I laughed and sighed. "You don't want to know about me."

"Yes I do. I'll tell you about me if you tell me about you." He responded. "I'll go first."

"I was born on October 31st in Belleville, New Jersey. I grew up in Kearny, New Jersey. I was sick a lot when I was young. I had a terrible immune system and spent a lot of time in hospitals. I remember when I was 11 we were driving home from the doctors after I had been diagnosed with another ear infection and my mom broke the news to me that would change my life. Her and my father were getting divorced.

With that, we moved far from my hometown to California. I spent my time being an introvert in my room playing guitar. I learned from watching Billy Joe Armstrong play in live Green Day videos. I didn't have any friends. I didn't like school. My sister Alice wasn't old enough to understand what was going on. She has no memories of us moving.

However, she does have memories of my mom's new husband. He had to live with us and he lost his job. He drank in the evenings while watching TV reruns. He would become loud and scary so I always hid my sister from him. I would show her where to go if she got scared. He scared me, too. He screamed at me when he saw me.

I had a feeling he had begun to hurt my mom, but she covered it up with makeup. I had no support from anyone and didn't know what to do with my feelings. I smoked a lot of weed for awhile and skipped school. I gave up weed after I noticed my inability to think and my sudden fear of the government watching me through my tv. I smoked regular cigarettes instead. I tried to stay away from people. Sometimes I wasn't sure if my life was even real. It was like fading in and out of a dream.

All things come to an end. There was talk of tension in other countries as always. But we weren't ready for the war. It was so sudden. We were having a huge issue with wildfires in California. Thousands were losing their homes. In our weakest moment they bombed us. There weren't enough people to fight. Once we were obviously outnumbered, they took us all into camps. When they came knocking at our door I tried to fight against them. I wasn't letting them take my sister. The soldiers tried to fire at me but my mom's husband took the bullet for me. I was surprised, I still don't know why he did.

In the camps we were trained to fight. I wasn't very useful with anything expect weaponry so they made me assemble and fix guns. Once I became extremely good at it, I moved on to bombs. From there I became a bomber. That's where...that's where most of my nightmares start. I saw things that I still cannot forget after all these years.

Our camps were raided a few months later. I tried to leave and save my sister but it was too late. I told you what happened. Recently I found out that my mother hung herself in her apartment in Battery City. I don't know if my biological father is still living. That's all I know."

I immediately began my story and trembled as I spoke. I was afraid of being judged but it was too late. I would tell him every word. He would be the first to know everything.

"I was born on November 14th on the outskirts of Los Angeles. I lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I had no siblings. I loved my parents and my life. My childhood was rather pleasant. Like you, my parent's separated. They did this when I was 13. My dad just called my mom one day after he hadn't been seen for a week and told her he was leaving her. She was really upset. My mom got a new boyfriend after a while. He seemed charming at first and quite kind.

"One day when I was in my room and my mom had left to the store he knocked on my door. He never came to talk to me so it was kind of weird for me. E-except he...he wasn't there to talk."

I sat quietly, looking out at the mountains. Tears had begun to form in my eyes. My lips trembled uncontrollably but I continued on with my story.

"This happened a lot until I started puberty. I was a late bloomer. After that, he didn't touch me. He threatened to kill me or my mom if I told anyone what he did. I didn't know how to cope with my feelings. I stayed in my room and burned myself with hot matches. I think my mom knew but she never asked if I was okay. Her boyfriend was a wonderful liar.

"I dropped out of high school. I didn't want to look at people because I felt like they would know my secret just by looking into my eyes. I shouldn't have dropped out but I guess it doesn't really matter now. I just knew that I wanted to disappear.

"When they came to the door for us I didn't struggle. I didn't even cry. I felt nothing. When my mom died of disease I still felt nothing. When I found out my real father died in the war I felt nothing. I was numb for so long until I met you."

Ghoul hugged me tightly and let me sob into his chest. It felt so good to get out my emotions.

"You trusted me." Ghoul said quietly.

"I knew I could. I'm sorry for lying. I didn't think it was a good idea for me to tell you that I was abused right before we had sex. It wasn't the right time." I replied.

"But...you still trusted me. Fuck, I feel like I could have really hurt you."

"But you didn't hurt me, Ghoul." I said, leaning my head against his chest. "I wasn't even thinking of my abuse I was just thinking about how much I loved you. I know that sounds crazy and I'm sorry for that. I'm ready to move on and heal."

"I understand." He said. "Just please don't ever hesitate to tell me if I make you feel uncomfortable, okay? I don't want to hurt you."

I nodded and suggested that we head to bed because I was tired.

As we were getting undressed, he stopped me.

"Turn and look at me." Ghoul said.

I did as he said, confused. He looked me over and frowned. He took my hands in his.

"Can you make me a promise?"

"Depends on what it is." I replied.

"Don't ever hurt yourself again. I won't get mad with you if you do, but I want you to feel okay to confide in me about this stuff." He said.

"Okay." I would try.