forgiveness.
it's a weird thing
a strange concept
to forgive
is to
"stop feeling angry or resentful toward
(someone) for an offense, flaw, or
mistake."
but who is it for,
really?
who gets to say when
forgiveness is due
deserved
earned
no one does.
it's not for anyone
it's not for them
it's not for him
it's not for her
it's not for you.
forgiveness is for me.
it's for me to decide.
i get to decide to stop feeling angry
resentful
for the wounds you inflicted
the scars you left
on me
on him.
it's pulling the knife
out of my back and
deciding not to use it.
not to cut good people out of my life
not to hurt anyone else
not at all.
it's letting go of holding on too tightly.
coming to terms with the lines in my skin
where your fingernails dug in deep
clawed at me
until i surrendered
every piece of myself.
coming to terms with this state of mind.
this set of beliefs about myself and others
that have become so comfortable.
coming to terms with the fact that
two short years of constant trauma
will take several more to overcome.
accepting that it's not okay.
there are no excuses.
it's not okay.
it wasn't okay.
and that's okay.
your trauma does not justify mine.
embracing that
"having a conversation"
this time
is not the answer.
it's time to stop picking the scab
poking the bruise
tracing over old paths
just because it's easy.
it is not for your sake
or anyone else's.
forgiveness is for me.
and when i'm ready
i'll hand it over
entirely and unconditionally
just like i did with everything else.
this time
it's not because you asked
or demanded
or twisted my arm.
it's because i want you to have it
and you don't get to decide that you don't want it
just like you did with everything else.
