Trauma

fights and love

They stayed at the shelter for about two more hours until Tornado had been through a bath and all the necessary liquids had been inserted into his body. They had been shown how to force feed him and with that the dog had finally received nutrition for the first time in days. He didn't seem too pleased but he didn't have the wnergy to fight the humans off.

When Bucky took the leash Tornado did already look better. His fur was clean, the matted parts removed, the wounds clean, a little more energy in the dogs eyes. Bucky still carried him to the car, placed him on the backseat and dropped into his seat next to Steve. They kept quite for a few moments, then Bucky broke the silence.

"Should we rename him?"

Steve nearly crashed the car when Bucky opened his mouth. Then he turned his head to look at his boyfriend. Just for a brief second. But this brief second was enough for Bucky to see the fire in his eyes.

He didn't understand. Steve had already yelled at him, told him off. He had explained to him that he'd get help, that he was strong enough for this.

"Look, Steve, I am sorry" , Bucky said, nearly stumbling over his own words, so eager to say them, to get rid of them. He wasn't sure what Steve's problem was but he knew that it was his fault. Not like the 'I have low self-esteem and always blame myself for everything kind of feeling' but a deeper, more reliable thing.

Steve kept quiet for a moment and Bucky just looked at him. How his boyfriend's knuckle turned white as he gripped the steering wheel with so mich force. How his jaws seemed locked in place and the muscles protruded from his skin. He was really angry. And when he finally spoke he did it quietly but with a force in his tone that made Bucky shudder.

"Have you wasted the shortest thought to think about me?" , he said in this dangerous voice. Bucky wanted to kick the car door open and jump out of it just to get out of this situation.

Had he thought about Steve? Just for a second? While making the decision to get this dog? Had he really asked his permission, his consent? The answer to all those questions was no. He hadn't thoight of Steve. This dog had been his decision. He wouldn't have given in no matter what Steve said. There were no words out there which could have changed his mind.

He had been selfish and ignorant just to get what he wanted.

He was the worst boyfriend one could wish for and Steve could finally see it.

"I... I am so sorry, Steve..." , Bucky began but Steve interrupted him, his voice still as tense as before.

"This dog was a we thing, James. It was a we decision and you were not in the position to make this decision yourself. I was okay with it before we were told what would come with this dog but I wasn't after we had learnt about the consequenzes! You may think that you are strong enough for this but maybe, just this once, I think that I am not strong enough!" , Steve burst out, turning his head again, looking at Bucky. There were tears in his eyes.

"I... I... I" , stuttered Bucky. It had been a long time since Steve had last called him James. A very long time. This was serious. This was dangerous. He had to choose his words very carefully because this time he had truly f*cked up.

"No, James, not you, I! I am really scared right now! I am afraid that this dog here will crush us, Bucky!" , said Steve, his voice rising slightly.

Bucky. He had said Bucky again. Deep breath. Things were getting better.

"I understand. I totally understand. I am truly sorry. I shouldn't have forced you into this. You are my partner and we should have made this decision together. You deserve so much better. I am really, really sorry" , said Bucky. And he was. He was sorry. He knew what he had done and how wrong it was. He regretted it. He truly did.