Trauma

life isn't fair

Steve and Bucky stood moveless and silent, looking down on their dog who was no longer shaking as the vet had given him some medication to stop the pain and the cramps.

They had know what would happen if they brought Trauma here, had know, which decision they would have to make. A decision no pet owner ever wants to make. A decision about life and death but also a decision about freedom and suffering.

Bucky and Steve looked at each other, both so full of fear, so scared to make the wrong decision. What if there was a way to make Trauma feel better? What if it actually wasn't, what they thought it to be?

"Okay, I'll leave you three alone with him, take your time, he's currently not in pain. I'll come back later with the results of his blood test. That'll make it easier for we can see which organs are out of order. Please don't get your hopes up though. His belly was as hard as stone and that's a sign for internal bleeding. Some things can't be fixed" , said the vet and then he left the two men and the dog alone, to think in peace.

Bucky stumbled closer to Trauma, who was wrapped up in his blanket again, only a forepaw and his head protruding. His eyes were closed, his breathing ragged but he wasn't shaking anymore. When Bucky gently kissed his head the blanket started shaking where Trauma's tail had to be. Bucky smiled while tears ran down his face.

"Buck" , said Steve. He stood behind his boyfriend and had his hand placed on his shoulder. Bucky closed his eyes. He didn't want to. He didn't want to talk, to be alive, to face things. But he had to.

"Steve" , he wanted to say but his voice broke and turned into sobbing and then he was sobbing against Steve's shoulder, loud and uncontrollably.

"This isn't fair, Steve, it just isn't fair" , he sobbed, wanting to curl up somewhere and cry until everything was over. The pain of loss was already tearing him apart for he knew that their decision wasn't really if Trauma would die but how and when. He knew that his beloved dog that had only been with them a few days wouldn't stay with them any longer. He had to leave this world behind, his time had come.

"Life's never fair, my love. It will never be, it just can't. There are so many lives out there and life is responsible for all of them. It can't give everyone their dream, that's not how things work" , explained Steve. His voice was so quiet, so broken and Bucky knew that he was suffering just as much as him but better at hiding it.

"It still isn't fair! He's been through so much! He deserves a happy life" , protested Bucky. Why did death have to take the best ones so early? The ones that deserved life but most often lost it far too early, ripping hearts apart. Because if you die it's not you who suffers but the people who are left behind.

Steve stayed silent for a while, gently petting Bucky's back, not talking.

"We have to make the decision, Buck. And we have to do it now" , said Steve after a while, disturbing the silence and Bucky was shocked to hear that Steve was crying too now.

Which decision? There wasn't really a decision to make. Bucky wanted to cry out, yell at whoever was responsible for this. He didn't want this to happen, he didn't want to have his heart torn to pieces and trampled on. He was willing to give everything and more for Trauma's life. But there was no one he could give it to.

"It's not really in question. We both know what we'll have to do, Stevie. We'll have to let him go" , stated Bucky. The words were painful and they cut so deep. What had been in his head had now been spoken, were hanging in the air like persistent fog that you drew in with every breath and that poisoned your lungs.

Steve nodded, he seemed beyond words for the moments, too shaken.

"We'll have to say goodbye then" , croaked Bucky, slowly letting go of Steve. They looked at each other again. Their eyes were red and their faces pale. Tears had left read lines on their cheeks and their eyes were watery and burning with unspeakable pain. They were connected in this suffering, kissed and turned to the dog.