Trauma

life is great sometimes

Bucky had just returned from his very last therapy session, probably in his lifetime. It was the end of summer, the nights were already cold and they promised a cold autumn and an even colder winter. For the first time Steve had excused himself from picking Bucky up, he said that he was busy. Bucky didn't mind, he was happy. He had conquered his demons succefully, his therapist believed him to be strong enough to conquer the world without her help and Bucky believed her.

While walking through the streets and enjoying the bit of warmth of this sunny end autmn day Bucky thought about how far he'd come. He'd learnt that feelings weren't something he had to cover up or hide. They were something everyone had. He'd learnt to accept himself for only if you accept yourself it's possible for others to accept you.

What he'd feared before stepping into the office of the psychologist hadn't happened. He hadn't turned into someone he was not. He was still James Buchanan Barnes who had fought in world war two, who had been captured and tortured by hydra and killed loads of people. The difference now was that he could live with this. He could finally accept his past as what it was, the past. It had been left behind and it had shaped him into who he was today. His past was nothing he had to be ashamed of. He didn't have to love it either, just live with it.

Bucky closed his eyes while walking, enjoying the warmth on his skin and the golden light that still touched his eyes. He enjoyed the smell of nature and life and even the city part of it. He heard cars passing by but he didn't mind. He heard people talk and he didn't mind. He was stronger now, better at being a human being and he loved it.

He just enjoyed being alive during his walk. He nearly was disappointed to arrive at home, having to leave the glowing outside world behind. They had moved to a new, even less central place then last time because Bucky had begged Steve to. He wanted to be able to actually and truly enjoy the nature whenever he stepped out of the door and he was unable to stand the old flat because it was heavy with memories. He had even asked his therapist if it was okay if they moved or if this was too much like running away. She had smiled at him and told him to list all the pros and cons. He'd done so and he'd come to the conclusion that it was okay to run away sometimes if it meant that you could restart. And other things had changed too. More essential things.

Whenever Bucky unlocked the door the change could normally be heard. Not today though. He frowned had he missed out on something?

"Leon? Ronja?" , he yelled into the silent house. Where were they? Had Steve taken them with him wherever he'd gone?

"We're in the living room!" , he heard Steve yell and he let out a relieved breath and laughed.

"I'm coming!" , he yelled back, took of his clothes and made his way to the living room. Leon and Ronja were awaiting him at the door, grinning up at him.

"Daddy! We've got a surprise for you!" , Leon burst out, his blue eyes were full of life and happiness. Bucky laughed and messed his adopted son's black, curly hair up.

"Hey! Don't do that! I'm a big boy now!" , protested the boy. He had turned five just yesterday. His little sister wrapped her hands around her father's leg and stared up at him. She had the same black hair as her adoptive brother but her skin was of a chocolate colour and she was nearly two years younger.

"That means that he's to big to be carried! But I'm not! Pick me up, daddy!" , she demanded, grinning her most winning smile which she knew her father couldn't resist. Bucky laughed and bend down of pick her up.

"I am not thaaat big though!" , protested Leon, obviously jealous of his sister, "I can still be carried! Right?" He looked at Bucky and honest worry was to be seen in his eyes.