The Unwanted Princess

part-37

"Don't worry I won't hurt you as I'll be the one wounded if I ever did"

The ruckus, the circus, the masked men, the betrayals wandered in her mind as she sat deadly still swaddled in his arms as her mind played tricks and heart raged a battle against herself. The world didnt make any sense to her neither did the solace and restlessness she was feeling at the same time, the warmth and cold and dread. The tears that just wont stop and the arms that are clinging to a shinning star, she always shared her sorrows with seemingly so bright and beautiful has finally descended down to earth for her. A star she told everything yet he seemed so inhumanely beautiful and distant and now she was wrapped in his arms like his precious treasure when he was her most precious secret holder and the world just doesn't make any sense to her anymore.

The internal conflicts, the raging war between her heart and mind and the unnamed sorrow and hollowness surrounding her like a big plastic ball with her trapped inside it and the lead seeping through her bones making her own weight feel to heavy to be carried by her and the world just didnt seem right.

The year long what if's rising again and intensifying the already intense fight between her heart and mind. The heart again stood firm on his decision of giving him a chance and mind stood firm on the decision that she did right. She wasn't capable of redeeming him, for him she never did matter. It was just a bet not love, he didn't love her, not even a little like she loved him. She did right choosing herself over love, she didnt matter to him. And the heart again began lamenting about why will he do what he did if he didnt love her?? Why will he cover her with his body and take all the brutal beatings for her?? Why will he fight a losing battle for her?? Why will he fight for her even after knowing he was no match to those man, even after knowing he'll be gravely wounded if he continued standing before her.

There were so many questions, so many why's and so many unnamed and unsolved emotions but nothing hurt as much as the realization that she wasn't over him still his wounds hurt her more than him, still she will lose all her composure and beg for his well being, still his presence can make her lose any sense of rationality, still she cant hurt him without gravely wounding herself.

People may call her fool for still loving someone like him. People may laugh at her and call her helpless, clingy and weak for still craving his love but maybe they hadn't been in love like her. It's so easy laughing at others problems and calling them absurd, it's so easy judging people when you've not gone through the same stage as them and preach they should and shouldn't even she had laughed and called those girls weak who acts so vulnerable and like a total fool after being broken by their love but in reality it's not easy, a part of you still craves them. The memories just dont go away, the addiction slowly kills you.You curse them and love them at the same time. The whatifs and maybes surrounds you like a second skin, you find fault in yourself and think how could he do this to you?? Didnt he even once think about her feelings?? Didn't her feelings matter to him even a little?? Was everything a lie?? The sweet words, seeking of her company, talking for hours to each other, the dreams and aspirations, the world that we weaved together with promises and dreams, did it all mean nothing was everything really a lie?? And how to forget those sweet dreams, the promises and the painted future we forsee together. What about the music to my songs and the rythm to my words?? What about the irreplaceable place he built in my life and heart?? It couldn't be just forgotten and vanishes. I just couldn't act like it never happened, I couldn't pretend I didn't weave a beautiful imperfect world with my lyrics and his music. If you're rejected and humiliated at every step, if you knew he never loved you than maybe it seems a little easier moving on leaving behind the bitter memories but how to move on from the sweet promises and a world of love. How to move on from a sweet addiction of texts and calls?? How to move on when each guy got compared to him and the dreams we built?? how to move on when you want to beat him senseless and kiss him at the same time?? How to move on when the memories assaults and feelings go haywire and the hope lingers that maybe he has changed, that maybe he realized her value. How to move on when every moment you act unaffected by him and steal secret glances when he isn't looking?? How to move on when his slightest glimpse brighten your day and you still worry about the tired lines on his face??