Daydreams And Nightshade (DaN #1)

Chapter 40: Pathetic

Noah squinted at the glowing remains of the fireplace over by the tents. He tried to imagine sitting there next to it, even if it'd only bring him the slightest warmth. It was also one of the few light sources left in the camp and Noah would gladly have it closer to him in order to escape the dark.

Night was approaching again, with the others in the camp –aside from Deshayes who was on first guard duty- having gone to sleep while Noah along with his fellow prisoners tried making themselves as comfortable as possible. It took some squirming and shifting weight to accomplish it, but eventually it seemed as though Cassius and Winton had managed to shut their eyes even if just for a while.

Noah wanted to massage his neck so bad. The cold had done a number on his muscles and it'd be such a bliss to get some blood rushing through them. He tried rolling his shoulders a couple of times in an attempt to ease the pain. Perhaps even the slightest exercise could do wonders.

Unfortunately he couldn't keep it up for too long. He was exhausted, cold, hungry and in pain. He leaned his head back to look up at the sky. Of course, the stars were barely visible. Why would luck be on his side? After a day like the one he'd had, he considered having to dig up old, painful memories in order to escape physical torture may not have been worth it. How was he supposed to sleep with all those thoughts in his head again?

With that in mind, Noah wasn't sure what he'd prefer the next day. Would he shut up and let them beat him up again? Beat the others up again? Of course he shouldn't, but there were certain upcoming memories he'd rather not talk about. Not like that. Not in front of a crowd of people actively mocking him for everything he'd done during that time.

He could skip those parts, he supposed, but the soldiers would know something was up. It was a vital part of how those scars ended up on his back.

Noah sighed and turned his head to the side.

"Cas?" he whispered. "Are you awake?"

Cassius knitted his eyebrows and grimaced.

"I guess I am now." His expression quickly changed to apologetic. "But it's not like it was a deep sleep anyway... So, uh, what is it?"

"Tomorrow... If I'm gonna continue talking, you know, to not be beaten up..." Noah closed his eyes with a pained frown. "... I'm... I want to come up with a lie. If they hear about the next part they're gonna keep bringing it up and I—I can't go through that. It took a long time for me to get over it when it happened."

"When what happened?" Winton's voice was heard from the darkness. Noah could barely see where he was.

"When, uh..." Noah took a deep breath. "When Finn broke up with me."

The other two sat silent, possibly expecting more. Noah waited for them to process it, but it seemed unnecessary.

"Yes, well..." Cassius said hesitantly. "I figured you two weren't still together, I mean... He was kind of an asshole—"

"He was n—" Noah began.

"—So I guess the only thing I'm surprised about is that you didn't break up with him."

"It's not so surprising." Noah looked down at his knees and smiled weakly. "Turned out he considered me a clingy, delusional and pathetic person who didn't belong in society."

"... Yeah, see... That just makes it even more strange that you didn't break up with him."

Noah shook his head.

"I thought he was right. If the one person who spent time with me and paid attention to me said something like that, why would I not believe him? If I'm being honest, I still have a hard time shaking those words, so I'm trying to forget."

It was too dark to see, but Noah could feel Cassius' offended expression cutting through the very air between them.

"Yet you're sitting here saying he wasn't an asshole?"

"But he'd always been a bit rude, even when we were together," Noah tried reasoning with a whisper to suggest they keep their voices down. "It wasn't anything new, so I don't know why I got so... So down. Especially since... I found some truth in it."

Noah heard Cassius let out a frustrated sigh. He knew he wasn't supposed to bring up those specific words or how Finn had acted. It would just fuel the horrid memories more, but there was no helping it once he'd gotten started. Once he began talking about that dreadful breakup the feelings of self-loathing and desperation came flooding back instantly.

"I know you really liked him or you wouldn't keep defending him like this, but you must have realized his treatment of you was unacceptable?" Cassius asked. "I mean, breakups can be devastating, sure, but anyone who says things like that to you aren't worth your time."

Noah thought back to the following year or so after Finn had said all that.

"I trusted him. It's not like he was the first one to point out my weirdness. Luna was one thing but she's my sister and I'd expect as much from her but people were always whispering. Everyone knew I was odd and a clingy—"

"Stop it," Cassius said, rather harshly for being him. "Don't talk about yourself like that."

Noah flinched and turned his head away. He knew Cassius was right, but it'd taken him a long time and a lot of convincing both from himself and other sources that he was worth something more.

"Anyway, I... I guess I'd like to come up with something else to tell them, because it's gonna come back to haunt me even more otherwise." Noah's voice cracked at the end, and he hoped no one had heard it.

The three of them sat quietly in thought for some time, or at least Noah assumed as much. It was also possible Winton just went back to sleep, but Cassius spoke up after a while.

"Well, if it's about how you ended up... Sad, in a lack of better words—"

"Depressed," Noah added.

"How about you tell them it happened after your other father returned, because I'm assuming you weren't too fond of him...?"

"No."

"Then you rebelled and ended up in some shady company." The sound of clothes rustling caused Noah to guess Cassius shrugged. "You know, maybe go overboard, it's not like they'll know, and if they get a better story then what's the harm? Throw in some drugs, some degrading intimacy, I don't know... But the more you can come up with the better."

Noah sat quiet for a second before laughing through his nose, mostly in disbelief.

"Yeah, I could say all that," he said, turning his head towards Cassius again. "But then I also wouldn't be lying."