Kyran's book thing

I am not fixed.

I'm writing this chapter in this book, because I think it might be a little too whiny for WDLHA. I do hope you read it. I do not hope that it makes you sad. Okay, here we go.

Since I've been writing WDLHA I've gotten a couple of messages saying "how did you get over depression?" or "how did you survive depression?" or "what's the key to not be depressed?". Apparently I've been giving off the vibe that I am free of depression, which I am not.

I am far from being free from depression, if anybody can ever be free of depression. I try to not show the darkest bits of me on here, because I'm here to help. Not to make people sad or to make people feel hopeless. 

Up until this day I am depressed. I handle my problems in every wrong way. I can get extremely emotional, have anxiety attacks a lot, smoke and am currently only 2 months clean of self-harming. 

Of course I'm thankful that people on here see me as a "rolemodel" or as "savior", but please don't get a wrong image of me. I am not cured, I am not free from depression, I am not happy. I try to be, I try to be all those things, but I'm not. Not yet. 

Reading messages like that doesn't make me angry. It makes me slightly uncomfortable, because it means I'm not showing everything. This might be a good thing, but on the other hand I feel like you guys have the right to know me. 

I once read a quote, that said that broken people can't fix other broken people. I believe this is not true. I think I am able of fixing some of you. Of fixing some of the broken people here, regardless of how shattered I am myself.

With every person I fix. With every person I help. With every person telling me that I have saved them suicide, I fix myself. It's one of the only things keeping me going. Keeping me going and going and going even though I want to give up so so so bad. I can't give up. I have all of you on here that need me. It sounds a bit cocky saying that, because I actually believe you don't even need me. You are all so incredibly strong, you just have to see. 

I am sorry if I have made you sad or if I have disturbed some image you had of me. I am simply not over things yet. I have been through a shitload the past couple of years and it has left incredible damage. It's hard to deny that. 

I'm not going to talk about how sad I am. Or how depressed. Or how much I struggle, because I believe that will not help anybody. If you do have questions about this, you can always ask me. If you are curious or you do want to know things, please ask. I am willing to answer a lot. 

Know that I love all of you and that you all mean a lot to me. That I wish happiness for every single of you and that we are all in this fight together. We will not give up, because there are better days to come. We will not give up, because we are stronger than this feeling. We are stronger, everyone of us. 

Thank you for reading this. Thank you, if you understand, for understanding. Again, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them. Keep fighting, keep going, keep hoping. 

- Kyran